This post isn’t going to be what most expect it to be about. It isn’t going to be about regret over choices made along the path of surrogacy. This story is about love. Love hurts…
Tonight as the clock ticks to midnight I am up with insomnia. My only company seems to be the darkness, a bright laptop screen, a hurting heart, and confusion.
This week should be a wonderful week for my oldest surrogate daughter that is now 11. Her fathers always the adventurous ones that traveled and spent so much time with family and friends and out in the world tried to make life normal this past weekend for their girls. It didn’t go as planned.
You see more than a year ago one of the Dads was struck with health issues, more issues than I even know how to explain. It isn’t what your thinking either. It all started with a surgery, and the side effects of the surgery have echoed all this time later in bout after bout of his body trying to shut down. A surgery that was supposed to improve his life has nearly taken that very life away. It is frightening and leaves one feeling so helpless. Things where ok though for a bit now, ok enough they went for a little trip to see family. They came home and now he is back in the hospital, facing possibly yet more surgery.
When I had these little girls for them I had plans for them, two amazing fathers that would move mountains for them, that would show them the world, that would give them lives most people dream about with big families and lots of adventures. That I think is what they both had in mind for their family too. Now it seems they go from one hospital and surgery to the next. I can’t picture it, I can’t fathom it. I can’t help but wonder how such bad things can happen to such good people. I know many have faith to fall back on in times like these, they say things happen for a reason, or worse they try to find a dark reason the justifies some belief they have. I don’t have faith though in higher powers. I have faith in good people, in the beauty in the world, the wonder, the science. It isn’t comforting though and I guess I am up tonight wishing that I could some how make things better for my surrogate family. If I can’t make it better, at least I could stop crying over just how sad it all is. If there is a god, I am just so angry with him over doing this to such a wonderful family.
I am a surrogate mother that is connected by love, and e-mails and messages and sometimes calls and visits. It is a blessing and yet I feel helpless to make things better for them. One can say they are not my family, but they are. It wasn’t a family created in a common way and not all surrogate families look like mine. It is still a family.
I guess all I can do right now is hope that things get better, try and be supportive, and hopefully see them all again soon. What I would give to make their suffering better. It seems wrong that I can help make a family but not help keep it well and safe and thriving. My husband and I and both Fathers all had plans for these girls, that they would have these wonderful lives. No one ever dreamed there would be this worry and pain. It isn’t something in anyones control though. I can’t even count how many people just want to make things better for that family, they are so loved. This all is just wrong, so wrong, bad things happening to good people.
In the end I think I feel responsible. I don’t know how or why, I just do. I wanted to help a family, and I did. It doesn’t seem like enough though and I don’t know how to make anything better for them. I know these words might sound like I am full ego, maybe I am and I don’t know it, to me though it just feels like deep responsibility. It feels like I can’t possible do enough good in this world no matter what I do. I want to help and at this point I just don’t know how. Maybe the fact that I turned one families suffering into my rant about my own short comings and deeply seeded sorrows over not being able to do enough in the world though should show me I have ego issues. Or maybe it is a statement about love and the human condition. Love hurts. I love them and I can’t make this better for them and what I would give if I could.
