I was a victim of sexual assault and so are my children.
It has been 2 years since disclosure day. It took 2 years for the abuser to go to prison. On 75 years worth of charges he was able to plead guilty and just get 2 years in prison. I sat there and watched the defense literally talk about how this young man had a bright future. No one mentioned the future of my daughters though. We trusted the system and it failed us all. I think it even failed him as I don’t think this will be what is needed to keep others safe from him. Statistically…. I hope there is a program that can help him because I can’t imagine he wants his demons to hurt others again. Enough about monsters though.
Coming out of the darkness after sexual assault shatters your family, your world.
Today I was asked what I am doing for “Wednesday Refresh” and it sparked me to be open and share something going on in my life. I replied with this:
“Painting my plant room as I need a nice comfy place to take a very hard training course this March. I will be training as a facilitator to teach sexual education that covers all kinds of sexuality and health (OWL). I have had to do homework for it already and it has triggered me and SA issues. I must do it though. I need to get back to serving my community and maybe… maybe I can help kids and families fight monsters. I failed to see one till it was too late and I am seeking some kind of redemption. I am seeking to arm kids like they are warrior viking children to fight the monsters in the dark. I was too trusting. We homeschool and I thought I was always here to keep them safe and I failed to arm them. I was blind in our happy bubble and didn’t think I needed to arm them. I was so happy I had protected them so well. And then…. I should have seen. But after 2 long years, Monster is finally in prison and this family needs to move forward. I need to move through this trauma and feel like myself again. I need to serve. So this is me, making my plant room lovely so I can do these live classes there, away from kids, and hopefully the instructors believe I will make a good facilitator. I am scared my damage might mean they find me not yet ready. I am scared. I am going to try my hardest anyway. I will never be ready to be in the world again if I don’t try, if I don’t risk failing. The course intro makes it clear the instructors want to see us vulnerable but not oversharing…. you know me…. I always overshare. LOL This isn’t going to be easy. I need to filter and my asd and such make that hard. I am too open. I ramble so much about things that interest me. I get excited and fill the space with energy -sigh- I am going to try to be more…. normal. I know I can filter with kids but with other adults…. We will see. So my refresh is very literally refreshing a space of peace for myself to battle my demons while trying to move forward in the light and not dragging demons with me. Wish me luck.”
Being open and what to share after sexual assault, after your child is sexually abused by someone you trusted.
I try to not share too much of what happened to my children, and what ones. I know that the one to disclose wants her story told. I will support her. There is no happy ending here though. I thought given I was a childhood survivor of sexual assault that if parents actually call the police and get their child help that it is “better”. It is though a different kind of hell but maybe one that saves others. I hope some how it relieves some of the shame victims feel. I hope it helps those who “can’t believe” abusers did it to see the light. It is on them too if this happens again. Now they know many are watching.
I hate that his actions didn’t just hurt his victims but also those who care for him. Who put faith in him. Some still do and I know my words hurt them and I am sorry. Therapy helped me see that those people still by his side are holding on to hope and denial and some might even be groomed themselves to not believe it. They are victims in some ways too. My heart hurts for them too.
My focus must be on helping my family heal. Helping myself move through the cptsd I now have. I need to focus on doing what I can to help who I can.
You deserve help and healing. There are resources to help after sexual abuse. You don’t have to be silent. You don’t have to be alone.
If you or a loved one has suffered sexual abuse I recommend the site: https://www.mosac.net/ it has resources that might help.
If you are looking for life support in general and feel the need for change check out: https://healthyhumaning.com/
If you have CPTSD these programs might help: https://cptsdfoundation.org
IMPORTANT: If you know my children as I know some who read this do, please do not poke at their trauma but if they reach out… please let them be open and hold them all gently. All of them. From the oldest to the youngest. They all have been through so much in so many different ways. They all deserve love and care and support. They all I hope know that they do not have to go it alone. Neither do you. (If you do not know whom this trusted person was I understand wanting to know, you can message me. I might not be able to talk about it at that time but I can give you links to the public court records. People knowing will help keep children in the future safer.)
Lastly, thank you to all those who have shown us care and support. Special thank you to the Sir who encouraged me to create sacred space again. Thank you to dear husband who supports this all and whom holds tight even when I am spinning. Thank you to the one who gives me sunlight and holds my hope when I can’t manage it. Most importantly, thank you to my children for allowing me share our lives all these years as open as we can manage. Thank you for holding on to one another and trying to make this world better even when it hurts. You will always be loved. We will always be here for you as much as the universe will let us be, You are each stronger than you know, but not because of all of this, but because of the effort you have always put into bringing light into the world. Each pet cared for, each friend supported, each dish washed, each laugh shared with someone hurting, each moment you are together with others whom you care about. They all feel it. You are important. You are enough. Thank you for going to therapy when you need to. There is no one right way to the art of living and therapy can help you find your path and feel more steady on it. We love you.
