About Trauma – You are simply never ready.

It is past time that I start to write about this and I apologize now that I can’t give details for legal reasons. But what I can do is share a few things I have learned about trauma. The 1st is that you are never ready for it.

Last December I would have told anyone that my life was perfection. An Amazing marriage, beautiful home, amazing kids all healthy and happy, and my oldest married to the love of her life and them with a new tiny baby. Done to the “picket” fence… things were picture perfect beautiful. Of course there are always struggles but they were manageable, all together, a family. If anything were to happen, as all life is struggle after all, we really could manage. Surely if trauma hit us, during that time I would have been sure we would be ok. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure I will ever be sure about anything ever again. I couldn’t have known what was coming. I know that now, but the guilt of not seeing…

About Trauma — The justice system is slow.

After something horrific happens, something not legal, you call the police. They come, eventually. You think that surely things will move quickly. They will talk to all the people, gather all the evidence and an arrest will be made. Turns out, at least here, not so much. Not only was it slow, but it took weeks for interviews to be done and in that time we were instructed not to talk about things, not to even get therapy started. It was pure hell. As a mother I felt like I had failed my kids and then to not be able to get them help, to be told not to talk to them about things… my heart was shattered and everything suddenly felt impossible. I no longer knew how to “mother”. Me.. the woman who had run peaceful parenting classes, built parenting groups to support others, facilitated huge homeschool co-ops… suddenly I knew nothing. I had one job, protect my babies. I had failed. And I couldn’t talk about it for weeks.

As of yesterday, it has been 6 months. No charges yet or maybe not ever. Who knows. We don’t yet. In the end though, there is no “winning”, there is really no happy ending. There will be unimaginable pain either way, and I can’t stop it. So here I am, waiting in slow motion for yet more trauma to hit my family and I can do nothing. Why is this taking so long?

About Trauma — Sometimes therapy makes it worse.

So we all went into therapy, a lot of therapy. Have you tried getting 6 people into therapy individually and then at times a few together? Weeks were chaotic. Some kids had to be in person, others of us could to therapy virtually. On any given day it was hard to remember who had what. Thankfully all the therapists could accommodate when I begged to have all therapy on Fridays. It had been weeks and we all longed for a sense of normal again, this meant the other days of the week we could almost pretend everything was ok.

Not long into therapy though I noticed a few of us getting worse some how. Nothing new had happened and yet… worse. Turns out that is common knowledge, that often therapy makes things worse. It was like that for months though. For me personally, it was a whole new level of hell.

Turns out I have CPTSD. With this comes nightmares on a level I never knew possible. Waking up gasping for air, my body trembling, pillow already covered in tears. When I could manage to get back to sleep the same nightmares tended to be waiting for me. Some of them old ones from childhood that I had long forgotten, some knew. So many though were the same theme, the one that has haunted me for years. The tunami one, where we are all outside some place near the ocean and I see the impossibly high wave of water coming for us and I have second to decide what to do. Now, logically I know with force that strong I would be entirely helpless like everyone else but in those dreams I logical plan out what to do. Husband sinks like a rock, no chance I could save him and no chance he could help. I think this comes from all the years of him being away for training and deployments. So then I figure out what ones of my children can possible swim and survive. Then I try to figure out what ones might be able to help another sibling keep their head above water. There are 7 kids and now a grand baby. In the end, there is no chance I can save them all. I am but one and I am not enough. Because of course I’m not. It is always horrible and there is no winning. And now… now there is another element in this dream that looks like it might help but I know it will do more harm and so I wake up and sometimes I get sick. This is one nightmare, there are just so very many now.

There is a medication it turns out for PTSD nightmares. It can help, if you can live with the side effects. I can’t. My blood pressure is already too low. It is so complicated. Can nothing be simple? If you have nightmares though, ask your doctor about a medication for it. I hope it works wonderfully for you. I am glad it is out there helping others.

So no good sleep, sometimes no sleep at all because my heart can’t take the pain sleep brings me. How does one function like this? Not well. I am though not alone. Husband. Not just husband but lets talk about him for a second. He is in the middle of all this too. He has gone to war and yet this… this is what damn near shatters us. Add in other shady elements we didn’t see coming and lets just say I am sure about nothing now. Who are we any more? In the end we cling to each other and hope we can see the best parts of ourselves again some day, right now there is just pieces. His therapy made things harder for a time too. Thanks for that.

We are not alone though, friends and family, the few who know have saved us time again with childcare, meals, comfort, distraction, and love. We are so incredibly thankful. These children are amazing and they deserve all the support they can get.

About Trauma — CPSTD means you can lose your short term memory. What is going on?

It started slowly, at first I was forgetting things from a few days ago, then the day before, and then, well now, I forget things from 12 hours ago. On hard days I get lost in the middle of a conversation even. The worst of it is that I can remember bad things but I forget the good. So for months now all I can clearly recall is the hardships. Therapists and Doctor have assured us this is “normal” and it happens. But none of them are giving us solutions or telling us when it will end. This is terrifying. Apparently my brain simply can not take short term memories and turn them into long term ones unless they are painfully impactful. Fantastic. No one ever ever ever mentioned this ever. We hear all about amnesia and the ways that can play out but this… what is going on? How bad is this going to get? I am told to focus memory games and such and try to learn new skills and see if I hold on to them. Ok. I am doing everything I am told. Nothing is working. Why is nothing working.

So 2 therapists now. 1 to help monitor for possible med changes and to be on call/text when I need in the moment support and another I see weekly that is also connected to the kids therapy. Fun. Times. Days I have therapy I know I am likely good for nothing afterwards. When does this get better?

So this is us a big family in crisis and I have no idea what to do.

I can admit that I have no idea what to do next. So I hold my babies and we do what the experts tell us. Child protective services was very kind to us and helpful but when it was time for them to move on the parting words were along the lines of “I am sorry to say this is all going to get harder and it will be a long while before healing.” Great… just wonderful. Those are not words I wanted to hear and I rather wish I didn’t know. So here we are, waiting for it all to get worse some how.

So how are the kids. I can’t give details. One seems to be doing better some how actually. Another has dived into art, 2 others gaming, 1 in denial of reality all together but some how making it work and all trying to find normal again. Some have taken a break from therapy, one wants to change therapists, another loves all things therapy, and the youngest still trying to figure out what has happened to her family. We aren’t great, actually we are really broken but the pieces are all here and we are holding on.

I find myself looking around for an “adultier adult” but there isn’t one. They are dead or distant and so I feel like as a mother so much falls on me to be ok and pull everyone through. I am guessing husband feels the same way. The thing about trauma is even if you experience it together, it some how isolates you. So we cling to one another and try not to all drown until hopefully we all remember how to swim again.

Just keep swimming.

Oh, and to the family and friends who now call me Dori, I have cuss words for you as you know but also, it is good to laugh about this because I cry too much about it too.