My dear NaNoWriMo novel feels like moshing against a brick wall only the music isn’t any good and there seems to be no way to stop! I have spent the last few days going back into my story and flushing out some better character structure. I wanted to make sure I kept the start of the novel pulling, however I feel like it is now too full.
I know the NaNo answer to this issue, keep going, don’t edit.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
So I need to finish the scene I am working on and get the heck out of the first part of the story and back to the middle and then keep going. It is so difficult and my head hurt a lot. My health I have to admit is not well, I am having a fibro flare up with the pain, fatigue, foggy thinking, insomnia, and migraines. At least I have a working computer!
I am so thankful for those who put up with me, my wonderful husband and children and friends and family. NaNoWriMo isn’t easy but also isn’t the end of the world though it can feel like it when a story is about to bite the dust. When I get this far I think about my children, I think about my surrogate daughters, and I think about how badly I want them all to do what is in them to do even when it is hard. Maybe specially when it is hard. My husband does this, he does it so well, I however…. the things that are in me to do don’t tend to have a paper trail, no awards, no real money made. Writing though, this is something I love doing and so every November I set out to write something that might be worthy of sharing with the world. I don’t know if this year will be it, last year felt so close and I might get back to that story some day to edit it up. For now though, being true to myself is simply doing it no matter how it turns out.
I have a life I am content with I dare admit. I have a wonderful marriage, healthy children, extended family and friends I love dearly. I know so many amazing people. My family isn’t well off, we have not figured out college for all the children, but we have enough and it really is enough and makes me so happy. I don’t like having more than other people, I don’t ever ever want to be rich. If I did come into money, I wouldn’t be able to keep it, I would give it away as fast I could to those with less and hopefully someone would stop me long enough to put money away for future. I am not a creature of the future, but of now and on my worse days, I think of the past and sadness. For right now though, I am happy. I wake up in love, I go to sleep cuddling one of the hottest men on the planet, and I am woken by sweet little ones who need me.
It is not all wonderful, my health is not good, my body…. it seems like we betrayed one another long ago. I can’t always keep up with everything, sometimes the kids will be so loud I can’t think, and sometimes the distance between those I love and miss is just too far. Add deployments over the years and tragic things that come up and it can be nearly too much.
For right now though…. life is good. I wish this feeling for all my children, that they have lives they consider good. That doesn’t mean there will not be hardship and challenges I know. I want them though to be able to be happy, to see the good in their lives and not be stuck like so many people it seems, stuck in the future or past and not able to live right now. Hopefully though they are better at planning for the future than I am. I can’t hardly picture it, and did I mention the college issue we have with 4 children? Maybe someday I will sell a book, or maybe my blog will keep bringing in money that I can save for them. Maybe…. enough talk about maybe.
Right now I have a life I love and a novel that needs help. Maybe it is time to look back and pull out someone from my past I can kill…. yes, it is a common NaNoWriMo tool and one I might have to fall back on now! Who shall it be, a bully or maybe an ex-boyfriend though really that’s hard, I did most of the breaking up and it leaves few guys to be angry enough at to remember much of. Actually just two come to mind. Alas, neither of them had big personalities and I need someone interesting to write in and not the standard male jerk boyfriend type. Why couldn’t either of them had a weird fetish or freak hobby, or brilliant at something? Common characters don’t work at this point, you can’t pull in a “nobody” and expect it to have an impact. Maybe what I need to do is take one of the so very interesting people I know and picture what their evil twin would be like and then kill that character off?
It is amazing how the mind can wonder at 5am after no sleep and a lot of pain. When all is said and done this post might well be 1000 words long and to think, my novel could have used 1000 words. I am just below 28,000 and if I can keep up as I have been, I will finish on time to have 50,000 words in a month. It is getting harder though as I said and I am a bit worried and getting desperate. Maybe it is time to get to another write in and let that help motive me?
I love writing. Maybe there is no help for me. 🙂
