World Breastfeeding week has been rather heated for this Mommy mostly because I feel very strongly about the importance of breastfeeding and facts that can help women make informed decisions. I admit, talking about excuses hasn’t been popular and not everyone that does not breastfeed has some kind of excuse. There are valid reasons and I shared my own. Still some mothers have guilt and it seems just about any whisper about breastfeeding brings it all back for them.
I got to thinking back to when I felt guilty holding a tiny little boy in my arms as he cried while over and over I tried to latch him to a nipple that was cracked and bleeding and purple. We cried together. On top of not having a full supply, a bad latch, a frantic hungry baby, we had thrush. Like other crunchy Mommys we resorted to gentian violet and huge diet changed. Everything was purple, all my bras, the sheets, my clothing, and my poor baby was a mess of purple too. I had done so much research and I thought that this time, unlike when I was a first time mother at 19 years old that I would get it right. This time I had support and the internet was full of ideas. I met with a LLL leader and a lactation consultant. I started taking herbs and got and SNS system. My baby though was failing to thrive and at that point I was desperate. A mommy friend who is a breastfeeding goddess met with me once a week, we would go to the zoo even in the cold months and our older children could play and we could sit in the quiet areas and nurse and talk and connect as women and friends. I told her all about how hard things were and she helped me try and figure them out. I admitted to her that I thought my body was failing me and to be honest I was still emotionally recovering from a traumatic hospital birth. The blues had set in and it was not a happy situation. I wasn’t giving up on breastfeeding, but I was close. She offered to nurse my son for me, to give him at least some milk and to see if he would latch for her. He did, but it wasn’t easy and his latch was bad she could tell. It was better than nothing. My friend couldn’t pump though and was already feeding two of her own. Some might find it weird but it wasn’t. She was doing what I couldn’t and I just wanted to feed my baby and figure out what was wrong. Was it all really just his latch? Not even close.
At yet another pathetic Doctor visit with the doctors only advice being yet again to give baby formula I finally did it. We got all kinds of bottles, some that looked like breasts, glass, you name it. I knew about BPA back then and it wasn’t easy hunting down safe baby bottles. I had given him 6 months of the best possible nutrition. I should have been proud of that at least, all the blood (literally) sweat, and tears. What was wrong with me though? I felt guilty. No one made me feel guilty. It was my motherly need to give him the best and I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t other mothers making me feel badly. It was me, all me. The voice in my own head putting me down when ever I saw another nursing mother or when the topic even came up. I was happy for them, happy for my friend who could nurse her boys without issue. She was understanding and supportive and gave me every bit of research and advice she could. I felt though like I had failed her. I am not sure if she ever felt that way but I can say that my son is 7 now and we are still friends.
Time goes on, things change. That friend is pregnant again now and I know she will be a milk goddess again. Things have changed since then, a lot actually. Another two babies and we finally learned what was wrong with me. I have a medical condition that caused me to not grow enough tissue to actually fully nurse. I had tried everything under the sun, everything, and then finally an answer as to why nothing really worked. So I learned I could partially breastfeed my babies and if I work very hard I can partially breastfeed for over a year! And like that, the guilt was gone. My body did fail me and my baby but at least I finally knew why. It wasn’t the bad latches or some how doing it wrong or not wanting it enough.
In the end the guilt was from my own self doubt and not trusting myself. How foolish I was to blame myself and be so hard on myself. The guilt though wasn’t from anyone else, I got far more “shaming” for daring to breastfeed in public than I did “guilt” from anyone. When we talk about the Mommy wars and guilt, we try and blame others for how we feel. I think we need to take responsibility for how we feel. If you feel guilty about formula feeding I think you need to examine that more and I hope that some day you too can be free of it!
