Part 3
When we got to my parents house I found my Dad worried. He hugged me and told me over and over he wasn’t dying. He didn’t understand why we came up to visit him a month early. I told him I was worried and I did something I rarely do…. I lied, a bit. I told him my house needed repairs (true) and that I didn’t want to be here when they were being done (also true). Alas, the landlord took two more months to even start those repairs when I had hoped he would get them done while we were gone. Still, I told my Dad I didn’t want to be home, and that was true. I didn’t tell my Dad that everyone was worried he was dying because he was so adamant that he wasn’t. He was upset that hospice was there so much and he was certain one of them was trying to kill him.
We managed to get him to drink a bit and even got him to eat some birthday cake for one of our daughters. He kept walking around the house and wanting to move! I thought him eating and drinking and moving was a great thing! I was so excited, he might be ok.
Sometimes the dying get restless and move, a lot.
I didn’t know this, and no one wanted to tell me. I was all excited and loved one who knew better didn’t want to take my hope away. He was walking and sitting on the porch and drinking and talking. I thought everything was going to be ok. It took a nurse telling me that my Dads activity wasn’t him getting better, it was terminal agitation. He was actively dying. When I read about it, when I finally sat down to read about dying I was shocked and quickly a mess. All hope was gone. What was worse was that Dad didn’t know it.
It was as if he knew he had some place to go but not sure how to get there. He couldn’t sit still. At all times someone had to be with him as he would get up and fall down. He liked to lean forward in his reclining chair and would now lean too far and fall. I can’t count the hours spent sitting in front of him. My husband and my Mom and I took turns. Uncle came and took turns too, as did other friends and family. Home hospice care really requires at least 2 people at all times. I hadn’t known that. I thought nurses would be there more. I can’t imagine if we hadn’t been able to go up and help my Mom. Helping someone live while they are dying is so active…. it is so much work. It is heart breaking. I didn’t know. So many things I didn’t know.
My Dad loved my Mom so so much. Two peas in a pod they were. When Mom spent a month with us to help with the new baby, before we knew about the cancer, Dad would talk to her many times a day. He missed her so much. She missed him too!
I was so glad we could be there for her during such a hard time. My mind wasn’t all there though and sometimes it was all I could do to take care of myself and not break down in front of everyone. My husband did more than I did for my Dad in his dying days. He spent nights up with him, changed dads diapers, and was a strong support to my Mom too. He handled more than I could. Mostly I sat with Dad, begged him to drink, and talked with him. Dad would get upset when ever Mom was out of his site. I remember my Mom was out of the house and Dad wanted to be up, so I helped him walk to the kitchen and then he stopped and hugged me for what felt like a very long time and he told me he loved me and told me he wasn’t dying and I just held him and cried and he cried. Just us alone crying. How could my big strong father now so weak be dying… neither of us could accept it.
Tell them it is ok to die.
Many people told me that it was important to tell him that it was ok for him to die. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. Days went by and Dad wasn’t eating or drinking and he couldn’t hold a conversation anymore. The last real thing he had to eat was that birthday cake. The last time I “knew” he was there was when he held me and told me he loved me and that he wasn’t dying. It struck me there would be no more conversations with him and suddenly I had all these questions for him. Every single day I have new questions for him….
Even though the dying stop eating and drinking, they might not stop peeing!
My Dad who had until those last few days managed the bathroom things himself needed diapers in the end. It was horrible for him. I couldn’t do it…. Mom and Husband did. A dear family member who works with the elderly helped so much. She was there for Mom and Dad and I can’t thank her enough. She had told us we would need diapers but in the blur of everything none of us thought to get any as Dad hadn’t needed them. But then he did…. my sweet niece raced right out to the store and got them for him.
Accept the help that shows up!
There are too many people to list that shows up and helped make things a little less terrible. I will never stop being thankful for them all. I am not sure they understand how much they meant to us all.
SHOW UP!
I can’t say this enough. Be there as often as you can. You don’t want regrets.
Know though that showing up can be…. traumatic.
Part 5 – The End.
