It has been over three months now and finally I don’t dream about my Memere anymore. I still wake up thinking about her often though, like to today. I take a deep breath these mornings and try and remember some of the last lovely times I had with her. I end p thinking about how the last few times we had to leave to go home she cried, she tried hard not to but she did. I remember trying hard each of those times to be positive and tell her we would be back in just a few months. We live very far away and traveling with 4 children is hard. Still at 95 years old I knew we didn’t have must time with her and I worried each time maybe I was telling her lie that we would see her again. That last time I said we would see her in a few months, she died before our next trip though. As someone not religious I don’t have those words of comfort that help others. Just this sorrow and sadness and guilt. Of course the guilt serves no one as no one thinks it but me. Still it is there. I keep wondering when I will be at peace with her passing. I keep hearing there is no time limit on grief and for myself I wish there was.
I almost feel like I am living from one death to the next and so on. Is this what being in your 30’s is like?
While I still feel so much for the loss of my Memere my heart is broken for my surrogate family. I can’t even picture the magnitude of losing my spouse or Daddy at such a young age. I find myself thankful that they are a family of faith as maybe it helped a little. I wish I could make this some how better for them but I can’t, no one can. While I wake up thinking about Memere first in the mornings, they are who I think about last before bed. My own sort of prayer I guess, just wishing them comfort in the hard dark night. I love them dearly.
The reality is, the scary reality is, there is no time limit on grief.
