The grief curse is the mess your life feels like when you seem to be moving just from one loss to the next, and the next. This makes you feel like you are just always waiting for the next loss.
Those who have lost loved ones know that grief often comes in waves. Indeed, after years even, things will happen that cause waves of grief to wash over us and bring us many emotions. We know that there is no one right way to grieve and we know that there is no time line. We also know that for some, grief can cause a new level of anxiety.
The Grief Curse – Anxiety
After having lost my Memere, then someone very beloved, then my father, and then another beloved, and then my oldest daughter losing her pregnancy….. and feeling like there is never a break from the grief, maybe it isn’t a shock I have anxiety. Just when I think I am ok living a ghost, I learn something new, like my fathers wishes are being betrayed, of course that is a trigger. Sometimes how it manifests though even catches me off guard.
The grief curse hit me hard recently when I went to pack my suitcase for a family vacation for the best of reasons. I knew we hadn’t really taken a vacation in years as most of our vacation time had been taken by funerals. I am not sure I really understood the weight of this though till I opened my suitcase to find it full of clothing and other items…… a year ago I hadn’t bothered, or been able to, unpack from the last funeral trip. It hit me that we hadn’t traveled at all in a year. It hit me how hard I took the loss that I hadn’t even been able to unpack. I am a grown women….. and yet…. I was hiding from ghosts. I was hiding from grief.
Grief Curse = Waiting for the next person to die.
We were going on a vacation we so looked forward to and so needed. I felt dread…. I felt cursed. I felt like we couldn’t have anything good and something bad would surely happen. I felt like some how me leaving home meant someone would die. I spent more nights awake alone crying thinking of all those I love whom were with us dying. I knew it wasn’t rational but grief is not rational and it doesn’t play fair either.
As I lay here in a comfy hotel bed, the last night away from home I have to admit, nothing went really wrong! No one died! It was family together celebrating and supporting one another. All of us dealing with grief in one way or another, I could see it especially in some of the older children. We tried to ignore it, or sometimes joke about it. It was so strange though being with so much family and it not being a funeral. I think we all needed this time together than we knew.
Grief Curse = Will it ever get better?
We have one more day of travel. 12 hours on the road with a van full of children. I know the accident statistics…. I can’t lie and say I am not scared about tomorrow. My dear husband is a very safe driver, doesn’t speed, understands my anxiety and why I rather be extra careful. It isn’t his driving I worry about. Logically we will get home just fine. Logically I know this has been a fantastic trip with nothing tragic, but could we really be so lucky? I got to see family still trying to piece themselves together from loss last year. I saw a curly haired beautiful spirit just trying to hold themselves together with threads of time while trying not to drown in years of tears in the darkness of a world that doesn’t understand that simply existing is all they can manage still and it has to be enough. I understand. I thank all the powers that be they have survived even if it doesn’t really look like living yet. I have to have hope the living and thriving will come with time. Time… give it time is what everyone says. Sometimes grief is messy….. for a long time. Blessed are those who with grace can stand with those of us in a grief curse and deal with the mess that is our existence till we can find a way to truly live again. It takes real strength to stand with someone in grief knowing you can’t fix anything for them, and just be there for them, expecting nothing till they are ready to live again. Part of them died too. Birthing a new part of themselves I think is like birthing a baby…. a bloody mess. It is beautiful though if you see past the mess and the fear, and have hope.
Anyway, I am rambling. I know, you have come to expect this of me. I want to thank you for dealing with me while I grieve. I hope if you are grieving that you have the support that expects nothing and gives you the time you need. If you do not, please try to be the support for yourself that you wish you had. Be kind to yourself. Find ways to express. Try not to bleed your grief all over others, though forgive yourself when it happens, it will.
I know, I need therapy. There is no shame in it. I am not depressed, just scared. I have so much love in my life, I just don’t want anything bad to befall any of them. My anxiety has me basically frozen with terror. I will not even tell you how many months I went without leaving the house…. I did make it out though for this time with family and I am so glad I did. I am lucky others helped be brave for me. How lucky am I?
Learning to live with being luckier than you deserve.
Please, be ok…. whomever is reading this, you matter deeply, please take care. No one is ever promised tomorrow.
