There is an inflammatory piece on the web now that is neither brave or helpful and I don’t like adding to it’s attention but I think it puts an eye on something important, is this what a bully likes like when they are a mother and now on the playground with their own kids? She resorted to name calling and sadly that is a rabbit hole I jumped down as well. Here is how the conversation on my facebook wall has gone tonight.
Parents Who coddle are Idiots
Me – This is a crap “article” with so little facts and a lot of self indulgent ego boosting on the part of the mother who is too scared it sounds like to give children a moment to think, to have the chance to make choices of their own for the right reasons. Of course she can raise little sheeple that don’t make their own choices but wait around for their Mommy/Authority to do it for them.
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Sasha – I didn’t take that from it at all. I have seen this same thing so many times on the playground where the kid just sits there and will not move for another child to play. ( after a couple minutes if your child don’t go make them move for the next kid) Just seems like the right thing to do to me.
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Emmanuelle – She does have a point. I think parents often use “can” when they mean “do it” out of ingrained politeness, but that’s confusing for a young child who hasn’t learned “may or can” or even the concept of politeness yet. The problem, though, is not that they’re coddling their children but using confusing terms.
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Me – That women was counting seconds… she snatched a toy a little kid picked up off the ground after 45 seconds….
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Me – I think things are changing in that parents are using “can” and they do mean it that way. They are giving their children the opportunity and time to work it out that they should give the toy back. I think we do not give children enough credit and we are doing them a great disservice by always demanding things and not asking them to work things out and giving them the time to do so.
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Emmanuelle – I don’t like her, but she’s not entirely wrong in the second scenario either. When there’s a line, I tell my kids “do it or move out of the way”. It’s about realizing that there are other people around them affected by their actions.
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Sasha – ^ Exactly!!
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Emmanuelle – “Can” is still not the right word. You tell the child “look. It’s this little boy’s toy, and he’s waiting for you to give it back to him. or “He lost his car and will be so happy that you found it for him”.
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Lori – I do think the woman seems to feel entitled… I think that is more the issue. Yes, there is a difference between asking and telling and if you ask, then you are allowing your child to tell you no and I have noticed my children will tend to no if ask…See More
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Me – I think we are so used to “line theory” that we lose consideration and patience. We are so busy wanting “our turn” we don’t consider that a little 18 month old might be going through a lot at the top of that slide. I think waiting a few minutes or god …See More
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Me – Lori, I think that act told me who she really is… counting seconds and then snatching a toy from a child that isn’t hers and she knows nothing about. I am sure she oblivious to special needs as well….. can’t let anything slow her kids down for even 45 seconds.
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Me – Certainly there are times when choices are not possible but we living in this authoritarian system of impatience and children are treated like brainless little robots some want them to be. If a parent wants to take the time to ask and deal with the con…See More
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Lori – I think at the age she seems to be talking about, talking about how other people feel and sharing is important and having patience is key. There are some things you cannot wait for a child to comply on if they are reaching for a hot stove or running into traffic, for example. But if it isn’t hurting anyone, giving them a chance to process what you’re saying shouldn’t be a big deal. Kids aren’t mini adults. I don’t let my children run wild at all, but I also like to give them a chance to work things out.
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Sasha – If it happened to be a really small kid, I wouldn’t mind waiting or telling my kid to find something else to do. In my life very rarely is that the case. It is usually an older kid who will not move so other kids can’t have a turn. Not ok as the parent, to sit back and let that go on.
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Me – I think though what your talking about though is absent/avoidance parenting, where the parent is not there helping their child at all. With what that woman was saying the parents where both there trying to help their children, not off on their cell phones not paying attention while their children did what ever.
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Sasha – That is true some of the time, but I have seen many parents just sit and watch the same issues. I guess they either don’t care enough, or don’t want to teach there kid how to be kind.
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Me- That woman was talking about an 18 month old though…. and she had some strong feelings about that little girls father, I think she needs therapy. Why not ask her own daughter to go down the slide and her son to follow and circle back to the slides later?
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Me – That woman isn’t talking about parents just sitting there, she is talking about two attentive and active fathers right there with their kids helping helping them navigate those situations, just not the way she would do it.
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Lori – Let’s look at it another way- if an 18 month old was on a swing and HER kids wanted to swing and there was only one open swing, she sounds like she would stand there loudly talking about how selfish other people are not letting HER kids on the swings… It goes both ways. Her kids need to learn patience!
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Sasha – I don’t know, I guess it really depends on the situation. I wouldn’t even let my 18 month old sit there longer than 3 to 4 minutes if other kids where waiting. That’s just me though.
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Sasha *were
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Me – Sasha, I don’t think I would either, but it sounds like that woman gave it all of one minute before having her internal fit. It might have been a milestone that Dad had been trying to help his daughter with for a while, who knows. That woman certainly doesn’t.
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Me – I think it might be the writer in me but I can just picture a great Dad getting ready to deploy the next day and he is out with his little girl that has never been able to go down a slide no matter how much it seems she wants to and he just wants to help her because by the time he sees her next she will be in preschool and no longer his tiny little girl that needs his help to go down the slide. It is a lot easier though just to call him an idiot I guess.
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Sasha – True. Maybe she was having a bad day. I just liked the point of not always allowing your child a choice. I feel like there is a time and place for them, and some parents do not get that.
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Me – I find more parents that just never give their kids any choices at all! They don’t seem to have the patience or parenting skills to bother. Course then you have the parents that don’t parent at all what so ever and then the parents who want to be their kids friends…..
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Lori – I wouldn’t let them sit there more than 3-4 MINUTES on the slide, but THIS woman is talking about seconds, not minutes. Big difference IMO. Also, some children are afraid of play ground equipment and need to feel secure before going down. My oldest was that way and until he was around 3-4 years old, he was unsteady due to low muscle tone and being on anything that might move made him feel very unsafe and he didn’t have the skills to put his hands out to save himself from being seriously hurt so it was important for him to learn those skills. I always gave him 2-3 minutes at least to try and if he was still unwilling to sit down and go down the slide or walk across the bridge, etc., I would tell him it was time to let some other kids go by and we could try again in awhile.
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Sasha – If I had dealt with more parents like you are talking about, I may have taken the article differently, but what i usually see are parents with unruly children that do not make them listen. Drives me crazy.Emmanuelle – She is rude, entitled, self-centered, everything she accuses other parents to encourage in their children. That’s funny if you think about it. She’s probably not the greatest mom either and is teaching her kids, by her behavior, exactly what she complains about, that everything revolves around them. She notices it in others, but not in herself.
The Conversation Continues
I am sure this conversation isn’t over and I am glad to have friends who don’t just agree with me. I clearly feel a strongly about this topic. I am very lucky to be able to see what helping a children make choices looks like with my oldest being 14. Of course I am not a perfect parent, far from it, but I share on this blog things we have done that haven’t worked and what has been working, I am willing to be wrong, and I admit it when I am. I am not fearless, not by far, but I do bravely stand up for my children, family, and those who don’t seem to be given a voice. So let me leave you with this idea; Maybe a parent who is being patient with their child isn’t or being an Idiot, maybe your wrong about them.
