UPDATE: It seems I can be clear as mud some times. Please know if you are new to this blog that I am a flaming Liberal Army Wife and Feminist. I just found it ironic that Christine Overall would defend abortion but attack surrogacy. Your body, your choices!
As mothers we face so many issues from the feminist side to the Mommy wars. As women we tend to judge ourselves and society is specially hard on us so we internalize the judgement. It seems we can not escape someone trying to put guilt on us, guilt that as little girls was not there till someone put it there. If we have more than 1 or 2 children these days we are called selfish. Since when is motherhood selfish?
I woke up this morning and being the Geek woman that I am I rolled over to check my e-mail. The house was quiet, the children sleeping. I could embrace the nerd goddess within me for a bit. The happy moment though turn quickly into me becoming not a goddess so much as mother bear seeing nothing but red. Why you might wonder? A friend had sent me something she wanted my opinion on, and so here is my opinion for the world, or at least my readers, to see.
Think Before You Breed By Christine Overall is just another guilt trip on women.
Defending Reproductive Choices
Overall states that she in her 20’s she thought about having children or not and makes it sound like most parents do not think like she does about all the sides of such a choice. Ego in my opinion, as all of this is my opinion of course seems to drip from the words. I roll my eyes.
She goes on to mention how she believes those who choose not to have children are expected to tell everyone else why they made this choice. She assumes that people do not question those who choose to have children. Maybe because of her class in this society she was spared, or maybe she ignored the questions and judgement. For me from the very moment I told people I was having my first child the judgement and questions rolled in. It seems in our society that everyone thinks they should be able to judge women on their reproductive choices. One of the most personal parts of our lives people want details about. They don’t go asking what positions we conceived the child in, that would be rude, but everything after that point seems fair game. It seems that Overall thinks the same.
Just why is that our society thinks it is ok to judge women on one of the most personal parts of our lives? Why is someone who thinks they support women would add to this mess like this? By all means lets make sure women know they have options and that not having children is one of those options but there are ways to do such things without falling down such a dark path and trying to drag others down too.
Policing Motives Of Uterine Use
“My aim, I hasten to add, is not to argue for policing people’s procreative motives. I am simply arguing for the need to think systematically and deeply about a fundamental aspect of human life.” said Christine Overall. As I continue reading however it seems like that is exactly what she wants to do. She doesn’t think people should question a women who chooses no children for what ever reason but she rolls out a name of parents with children like her own personal freak show to try and prove her point. What is her point again? It sounds like she does not think women think about the choices of motherhood or the lives of the children she brings in. What a sad assumption. She doesn’t think we question the childless. She does think we debate bringing children into the world and how many. She doesn’t however mention judging abortion or birth control. Why? Because she is pro-choice though by many accounts people believe she muddies the waters in that area. She is trying to police motives and like any pro-lifer she is trying to guilt to make others bend to her views.
It gets worse!
While she defends not having children and the rights of abortion (I am pro-choice for women because of what happened to me, though I think I would let nature take it’s course personally, for others though I can’t make such a choice for them so I think I am balanced in my thoughts of her on this. She is pro-choice but anti surrogacy and large families) She fights against Surrogacy. Not only has she assumed my children where not thought of before I had them, she also thinks it should be illegal for me to have brought into this world my surrogate children. What was it again she said about not policing motives of parents? It took just a bit of reading to get a bigger picture of Overall and while I had been digging in hopes I could find a balanced side all I found was more reasons to make me see red.
Her assumptions are that all surrogates are some how forced into it by either being under educated or trying to compensate for giving up children in the past to either adoption or abortion, or because they are poor.
I do not fit into her assumptions and how dare she try to police my motives. But while we are on the subject let me share with you something very personal about my surrogacy journey.
1. I had watched many adults around me including my step mother and father cry over being unable to have children. My step-mother looking into surrogacy, that is how I learned of it.
2. My Dr had told me I had birthing hips and children would be easy. I didn’t like being able to do something others couldn’t.
I decided at age 10 that I would heal the pain of others by being a surrogate if I could some day.
3. I had been assaulted sexually when I was little, it twisted my own sexuality a bit I think. When I was a teen another assault and it left me feeling like it should be my choice what happened to my body. Men had taken from me that which I did not give. In surrogacy I found my power back. I could give what others could not take and I could do it gently and with love, not with force and pain. I was reclaiming part of my soul, part of my womanhood. I am so blessed to have found a fantastic couple to help, two amazing men worthy of me and what I wanted to give. They let me make them a family, they let me heal the hurt and fill the void. TWICE! I feel so very lucky.
I never had an abortion and never gave a child up for adoption and I was a married women whose husband was in the military. How dare she try and make illegal what I want to do with my uterine?
Part of surrogacy was selfish for me I admit. It made me feel like I was healing myself and others. I was sure I was bringing children into the world to thrive. There again though is a difference between myself and Christine Overall, she does not believe life to be happy. No it is not all the time, some are very miserable, but there is some logic in knowing a situation and making an educated guess. All we every can do about the future is guess!
Pro-Choice is Ok but not 3 children
More reading about her made it clear she thinks that if you must have children, only one per adult. Like the choice she made. She supports abortion but not three children. What about my choice to have children? Why is that not supported? Why add more social guilt to that? I think does feminist women like me a disservice. Feminism is not about getting out of the kitchen and not having babies. It is about having choices and being equal. Women should not be guilt-ed into being pregnant and bare foot in the kitchen, nor should she be guilt-ed if she joyfully chooses to do so. (I suck in the kitchen…. Wonder husband cooks more!)
Support Choices
I think feminism is supporting choices and helping women know they have them. Guilt limits us, judgement limit us. I think we should consider many sides but the way Christine Overall goes about this is sickening to me and yes, it has made me angry. I worry for my daughters in a world where women like her want to judge what they can do with their bodies.
What you do with your body is your own choice.
Be it no children or 10
We should question ourselves on our choices but we should be supportive of one another.
Women need less guilt, not more.
(I had made a mistake and written in haste that I am pro-life when I meant to share that I am pro-choice though I do not think I would ever make such a choice but rather would let nature do with a pregnancy as it would without interference. Sorry for the confusion.)
Comments are welcome but please leave your name and a way to communicate rather than just unkindness, mean posts will be taken down as they serve no purpose. I am here raw in front of you, please at least be kind enough to leave your name and stand by your words and not “anonymous” poster.
As women, daughters, wives and mothers we can sometimes be extremely hard on ourselves. We are our worst critics! We certainly do not need anyone giving us more guilt. Especially over something as personal as whether we choose to have children, how many or not at all. I think people need to mind their business especially online. They say things they would never say in person. We all need to think before we speak AND post online. Perfect example: Friday my sister learned of our mother’s death on Facebook. :(beautiful
I think its insane when women criticize others. We definitely are our own worst critics. I get questioned all the time on when am I going to have my 2nd child. It really bothers me because they assume that we don’t want any more or we’re selfish. As the asses they are making of themselves, they don’t think that hey, maybe there’s a reason which in my case I just miscarried a few months ago. Sometimes I wish people would just mind their own damn business and leave people alone to make their own choices in life.
Great post!
I have four children and love each and everyone of them. I would have more if I could but realistically I cant afford them. I am also pro-choice. As long as I am not the one paying for them. I do not agree to women having 5-6 kids and having the government provide for them.
Kimberley,
I am sorry for the unkind tone and snarkiness of my previous comment.
-Patricia previously anon
Thank you so much Patrica! I know I was not very clear in this post, lack of sleep and a lot passion caused a lot of confusion. It is a topic I do want to talk about. I don’t know everything, and I could always be wrong!
Cool Way, some valid points! I appreciate you for making this blog available. Rest of the site is also of high quality. Pretty section of content!
Regards:
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