Another death of someone I love has had me thinking deeply about life. Each passing has changed me, broken my heart, and forced me to grow. The fact is that everyone we know and love will some day pass and chances are the longer we are lucky to live the more loved ones we will see dye. The closer we are to people the more pain we will inevitably feel. I have to admit something dark and sad now. A few years ago when an older friend died I told myself I needed to stop making older friends as my heart couldn’t take it. That isn’t the right answer of course specially because I know age matters very little. Older friends though have always been a peaceful place for me, they inspire, often let me feel helpful, and help me grow up. Lets face it, even though I am a mother I am not all grown up. There are still lessons to learn, hard ones.
I don’t know yet how this recent death will fully effect me. I can tell already though that it is driving me to push past my fears and connect more deeply with more people and it is certainly calling me to be more present for my surrogate daughters.
Most surrogate mothers have little to no contact with the families they help. Often the children don’t even know about them. My situation has always been very different and there is no hand book on how to handle it. One thing is certain, I love my surrogate family deeply and would give anything to make the heart break better for them.
As I type this we are driving to the funeral. We have been on the road 6 hours and have more than 6 to go. By tomorrow though I should be able to hug my surro babies again and their Dad and say good bye too late to their Daddy. I will be meeting their families who have only heard of me these past 12 years. I selfishly worry that I might not be what they expect, that I might not be seen as some how good enough. Silly fears I know and I can’t explain why I have them. Such fears in the past might have prevented me from going even. My social anxiety gets very bad. Today though I am pushing past because my fear is selfish and I just need to be there for my surro family. They are what is important. What I would give to make this better for them.
Often mothers say they would die or kill for their children and I know this is true. I would die for my children, all 6 of them and their fathers.
— Kimberly
Mother of 4 of her own with her loving husband
Surrogate mother of 2 with their loving fathers.
