It is hard to put the last days into words but you know I will try and I love to write and I love to share.
I am very blessed and lucky to be the surrogate mother for two amazing men. One reciently passed away and my family traveled to support his husband and our surrogate daughters who are now 10 and 11. For 3 long years their Daddy battled for his life and their Dad took the very best care of him and them. While my heart breaks for them all I remind myself that their Daddy is no longer suffering. As I walked into the wake I was taken back by the hundreds of people there saying goodbye to someone so clearly loved and missed. He was a school teacher that as brilliant and creative and owned many kinds of companies along the way. It wasn’t what he did so much as how he did things. He and his love took care of people. It is just who they are. They always helped me when I needed it and always knew what to say when I was having a hard day. I saw before my eyes so many people who felt that the guys did the very same things for all of them too. So many people just like me just stunned that something so horrible could befall such good people.
I was further shocked to have hugs from everyone that I talked to. They all knew me…. I didn’t expect it. You see so many surrogates do their part and then fade into Memory but the guys never had that in mind for me. They build and take care of family and they included my family in their own and they carried me with them into the future even though I was very far away. It was humbling.
It dawned on me how very different their family might look to others. To me they have always been this magical and perfect family. When my husband though went to put in emergency leave to get us down here though he wasn’t sure what to put on the paper work. How does one describe our connection to this family? “My wife’s surrogate child’s biological father” So I told him just to put down Brother in Law because the guys have always been like our big brothers and much closer family to us than some of our biological family even. Thankfully my husband is amazing and works with some great people who didn’t ask many questions and just trusted that my husband has a family hardship he had to go take care of. I am so thankful. Most wouldn’t understand.
At the wake I was surprised to find a ramble I had posted on facebook in the middle of the night about the Daddy that is now gone on the back of the program. Like so many things the last few days brought me to tears. I don’t feel worthy and I know that is my own issue. So many lovely people who where part of their lives every day and they still picked my words. You might have had to be there to understand the magnitude of wonderful people there and the lives of my surrogate family.
As I sat the next day with 3 of my very own children in the church the next day for the funeral there wasn’t a moment where there was not someone sobbing. The church couldn’t hold any more people. So much love and sorrow. Everyone time of the surrogate daughters cried a wash of tears followed through the church. I had to smile through the tears seeing just how loved they are. I never doubted my choice to be a surrogate for them but to see the support for them that I imagined right in front of me was something so different. My husband and I have been on our own for the most part all these years of the military moving us around and to see such a large and solid support system for the surro family wasn’t something we could really comprehend until we saw it.
I wish the loss of a parent on no one but goodness I don’t doubt that the girls are in the best hands possible to get through this. I will do all I can from far away to be what they need. I learned so much from this trip. I feel like their Daddy is still teaching me and others life lessons even though he is gone.
So my family, their family, don’t look like most. We are lucky though, even in this tragedy, we are lucky. We are blessed and he wouldn’t want us to forget it, he never did, and he never forgot me.
