I thought I lost the baby

There was bright blood and cramping that made my heart hurt. I thought we lost the baby. It was New Years Eve and I was in bed trying not to sob, trying not to ruin everyone’s night. The announcement I kept telling myself had been too soon. I am horrible with secrets though and thought sharing the news would help me process our little shocking surprise. How were we going to handle another child I kept asking myself, and everyone else. We are not impoverished but we are a single income military family with 4 kids we homeschool, the oldest being in an online private school with tuition, and soon to be college costs! I was overwhelmed, but happy, but overwhelmed. Then the blood… I thought for sure baby was gone.

I wasn’t going into the ER on New Years Eve. I was staying off the road. I had appointment the following Monday and in my bed I planned to stay till then. I didn’t want to talk, to do anything at all, but try not to cry. I didn’t pick up the phone. I feel badly this annoyed others but I couldn’t be of help to anyone and I didn’t want to talk about it. Talking would make it harder, I could type, but talking would end with me in tears.

Thankfully most people understood. Kind messages of support on social media helped. Texts and funny photos helped me smile.  I couldn’t though make plans, I couldn’t think about next Month or even tomorrow. I had been through loss before, even the guilt over being so worried about having another child and then loss. That added to the guilt. I thought it would be like that again. I was so sure.

4.5 Hours in the ER

Turns out my appointment was going to be useless, it was just a nurse intake at this military hospital. I had to go to the ER. A friend talked with me kindly about loss by instant message before I went. She reminded me it could be worse to go to the OB for an appoint, seeing all those pregnant mothers and tiny little ones. She was right I told myself. I started to doubt that though as I sat in the ER waiting room for over and hour. I saw babies, one so happy it hurt my heart. I found myself so grumpy about the order people were being taken back in. The babies should go first, always, I kept thinking.

A soldier with his battle buddy in uniform a few seats down from my husband and I kept hobbling to the bathroom to get sick. I wanted to check on the bleeding I was having but there was no way I was going near that bathroom. I sat, feeling damp, feeling broken.

I felt out of place. I am 35, already have amazing kids, I am clearly not in shape and not in good health, why should I get another baby when so many others can’t even have one? Why should I feel like I was falling to pieces over a loss that caused me so much worry? Why should anyone care about what I was going through I wondered.

The intake nurse mentioned how I was the calmest patient she had seen going through this before. I explained it was not the first time and I had days to deal with this loss. I was so sure. I was so measured as I just couldn’t fall apart in front of strangers or at home in front of family.

The ER waiting room was getting more full as we waited. The sick soldier was sick of getting up to go to the bathroom to puke, so he did so sitting there so close to us into a bag. His battle buddy was sick of waiting, clearly worried for his friend tried to get him seen sooner. I wanted that to happen too, not just because I am near always nauseous with this pregnancy, and was then too, but because the guy really looked bad.

It’s not my turn.

I was shocked when a nurse came out and instead of calling the solders name, or one of the little ones, she called mine. I got up, the cramping was bad when moving. I was taken to a private room with my husband and we waited. I couldn’t help but tell him how much I wished others had gone first, it’s not my turn. The nurse brought be a warmed blanket, it helped. I hadn’t eaten all day and it was nearly 5pm. Blood work was next, they missed on the first arm, I cried out, the room swam. My husband begged the man to try the other arm as this was clearly wasn’t working. That one went smoothly, but I was dizzy. No water they said, I was parched. More waiting.

The ultra sound

I had these before, vaginal ultra sounds. I couldn’t see the screen and the technician couldn’t tell us anything. It hurt so badly, I just knew baby was gone. Tears fell, I couldn’t help it, just a few, in the dark. It seemed to take forever.

Back to the room, more waiting, no water. No information.

After a total of 4 hours the doctor came back, said quickly something about the baby being 6 weeks, we are at 7.5 but maybe dates are off. No mention of cause for bleeding. Then came the other check, I thought it would hurt like the ultra sound, it didn’t though. My cervix is closed, but looks inflamed but not infected, things look right. The doctor leaves again, leaving husband and I to talk. Husband says he thought he saw a heart beat on the ultra sound but didn’t want to say in case he was wrong. I wished I had seen. I was still in denial, no way baby could still be ok.

Doctor came back, and said baby is measuring 6 weeks, and I asked about heart rate, he said 122. That is low for this time, it is supposed to come down to that eventually but should be high now. Try not to worry. Have hope, there is still a baby I keep telling myself. We go back for an ultra sound again next week.

Some how I am still pregnant.

It doesn’t seem real but I am so thankful. Still overwhelmed but thankful to be so. I have lost before, I know too well what that was like. I think it effected how I was dealing with this a lot. I already have pregnancy brain, it is hard to focus. 1 in 4 women have to deal with loss, my heart breaks for them, for me. For now there is hope and I am so glad I was wrong.

On the way out I was glad to see the solder no longer there, the little ones too. I hope their stay was faster, and just as helpful. No idea why I am bleeding and cramping still, waiting on labs and what maybe more tests, but for now, I am still pregnant, and I can pick up the phone again without worry over tears!