What do you do when someone you love is dying? How do you deal with loss? How as a parent do you help your children deal with it?
I wish I knew. Pounding this question late at night in the arms of my husband as he sleeps watching a candle flame dance I am left remembering how I deal with Good Byes. I don’t deal well. Before I can help my children, I think I need to help myself.
There is someone I know that dying of cancer. I can’t get into it beyond that they do not live with me. I hope to share more soon but as not everyone who needs to know does yet, it is not my story to share.
I can share though how I have dealt with good byes before. This is something I know a bit about though this does not mean it is anything helpful to anyone. My husband is in the military and has been for a very long time. We eloped to get married when I was 18 and the plan was that we would have a days together and then he would leave for bootcamp. Only that morning he told me that he had to leave that afternoon. I was very very unhappy with him and took every moment I could to argue with him and cry. It was not his fault but I was a mess. The deployments came, I would distance myself from him and often argue and really I think he must have thought me a creature like Medusa as even looking in my direction could cause me to melt down. Poor guy. Over the years he has come to accept it, he jokes that it is how he knows I will be just fine.
I am not just this way with him though. When we had to give up a beloved pet, I distanced myself as well, I let others take care of her and didn’t even go to say good bye. The same when moving so often with friends. I would often skip the good bye in favor of a phone call or e-mail. I would distance myself as soon as I knew we where moving as I dreaded the first day without them and wanted to make that blow hurt less. I am not sure it ever helped though.
I try and distance myself from pain, I am a coward I suppose.
A very old friend of mine was very sick some years back. I had not lived close to her in a long time but we would chat online. She told me she was going to end her life. I didn’t believe her, I tried to tell her all those bright and happy things. I thought she was just having a hard time. She was telling me good bye and I was refusing to hear it. I had not heard from her in a bit and when checking on her I found out she had passed on. I wonder all these years later if not saying good bye to her made her ending harder on her some how.
Another older friend suddenly came down with Cancer, she too lived a ways away when it happened and I wanted to come visit but the situation was not permitting it but I had plans and the timing would soon work out. My friend told me I should see her sooner rather than later, I thought a month would be ok, my husband would be home from the war zone and my baby would be born and I would be able to travel. It was too late though by the time he came home. She passed a week after baby was in my arms. Her family gave me a quilt she had made my little girl at the memorial. I sang that day, I spoke, and to this day I cry thinking about her.
I remember thinking after she died that I would not be making any more friends with older people. Losing them hurt too much. How selfish is that? I have a neighbor that has cancer, I don’t know her because the first day I met her she told me she had cancer and I couldn’t bring myself to go over and make friends. Our children play together but I don’t go say hello. Yes, I must be a coward.
Someone close to my heart has been very very sick, I dread every e-mail thinking it must be bad news. I cry for them, for those that will be left behind and I try to push the thoughts from my mind.
Someone I adore now is terminal though I am not sure how long there is. Plans are being made, and I am left wondering what to tell the children. I am left wondering how I will handle this, how I will say good bye and how I will help my children do the same. Will I be a coward this time too? Is there even such a way to deal with death that isn’t as ugly as my own? This is someone so entwined in my heart that my chest hurts thinking about them not there. I know while someone is alive that the good bye is for them and when they are gone it is for me, for us left living.
Death is not something a lot of people talk about so please excuse my rambling. Emotions are not something I grew up being allowed to share so I might be very immature about loss. I just wish I knew what was right, if there is even such a thing.
What I do know is that I am blessed to have so many people I have loved, that I do love, and so many people to miss when they are gone or far away. Beyond that I feel rather child like myself, alone in the dark.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. I haven’t lost an adult close to me but recently two friends had very -late-term miscarriages that have broken my heart. I do know that there is no ‘right way’ and you’re doing great just to share your emotions! So much better than avoiding the subject!!!!
You are in my thoughts and heart right now.
I generally let the grieving grieve as they need to. Since you are looking for way to handle this, both for yourself and for your children, I will share two experiences that may be helpful.
This first relates to my cousin. When he was a toddler, he had two best friends. With no warning, one day one of them dropped dead. His parents choose to expose him to the experience, despite his age. He was told what had happened, and went to the funeral to mourn the passing of his friend. They gave him support, but allowed him to experience and deal with it. It was hard for him, but it made him a better, more understanding person.
The second is my experience when first my grandfather died, and then my other grandfather died. In both cases, I was given the chance to say goodbye. In both cases, my last memory is of my Grandpa smiling at me telling me how happy he was to see me (one commenting on the roses I brought, and the other singing to me). It is hard to not have them, and I am crying a bit as I write this, but it would be even harder to not have that memory of them.
In the moment, it is easier to stay away, to distance yourself from the pain. But the pain is there, and it is there no matter what. Once they are gone, they are gone. Even in the depth of pain, good memories can be formed.
The last thing I learned is the true power of the following words:
I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much Elise and Claire. For sharing the understanding and memories and even tears. I deal so badly with such things and I want to do better so my children will grow up dealing better than I have.
I had a pregnancy loss a bit ago and when people said they where sorry for my loss at times I wanted to just cry out that I have not lost something, like how I lose my phone all the time, I know what happened, and that baby is gone, not just missing. It was anger though, another part of grieving. I didn’t know the words could help but I am going to remember them now. Honestly it is a loss because I have no idea what happens after one dies and I am not even a believer.
It really helps so much that neither of you made this about religion. I am going to have to speak after this person dies and… I am going to be so lost as to what to say. For me though, faith isn’t going to be there to help. I hope though so badly it will be there for others that do believe. I wish anyone any comfort they can find in this life.
I am not an expert on the topic, but let me just say that I am deeply moved by your post. It has got me thinking about how I would handle it if I found myself in a similar situation. It’s never easy. I guess, prayer will help during those trying times. Stay strong!
I am so sorry, this is a crucial topic because we all grieve differently, and I just think that we need to let our children handle it the best way they can and be there to confort them. I had a miscarriage when I was 14 weeks pregnant and we had to tell the children, my husband did, and to se there faces, (you could they were trying to understand, why did this happen look on there faces) so on that day my husband explained death and how God giveth and taketh away. Alot of prayer will be coming your way.
My (ex) mother-in-law has been fighting cancer for about 6 years now. She goes into remission and it returns. She now has a large mass behind her stomach. I take my girls to see her, but it is hard, because she says she doesn’t think she will survive this time. Like you, I don’t want to think about it or talk about it. Of course, my girls are older, so I think they are handling it better than I am.
Just keep praying!!
Stopping by from VoiceBoks!
Thank you for sharing such a deep emotional topic.
Personally, I think the best way to deal with death is knowing that all of us will face it someday, that is what I tell my 6 year old. That everything is here in this world for a limited time, I show her other living things that dies when it is time.
I have even taken her to a funeral, she saw that the person looked like they were sleeping.
I think it also helps if you have a belief system, to share with your children.Faith helps grieving a lot more than we think ( at least in my experience,my belief that a higher power controls birth and time of death , it gives me a chance to understand how much I don’t have a say in the natural order of things).
I have lost a close one to cancer too, we used to visit her(not as often asI would have liked) and sit and talk about old times. She was most of the time too weak to talk, so we did most of the talking. I think it helped her to have her family close by, children, grandchildren, nieces,nephews etc.
I hope you do find the strength to at least visit, I have never said goodbye to anyone dyieng,not even the lady who passed away due to cancer. I am not sure if I could or even should. I am more the type of person who do not express in words, goodbyes and farewells I think are understood when you visit people when they are terminally ill, just holding their hand and being with them I think says it all. Maybe you could ask them if they want you to do something for them? A wish or request you could personally do for them.
Good luck with letting your kids know, I think they are more resilient and wise sometimes beyond their years.
I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I suppose kids are more resilient than we think so they may bounce back from whatever they are feeling faster. Will say a little prayer for you.
I love your closing comments. Life is sweet and bitter. And so can we be depending on how we handle it. Prayers for guidance on talking to kiddos and peace for you in the storm.
I lost my oldest son 12 years ago, very unexpectedly. We knew he had heart problems due to an overactive thyroid but didn’t realize how much of a problem it was. He was 30 when he dies and left a wife and 2 small children. It was hard because I never got to say goodbye. He laid down one night and died of a silent heart attack. So sad and so hard to lose a child.
Even tho it’s hard and we all deal with death in our own way, I personally would like to have the chance to say goodbye to someone I love and remember them as they were in life.
And above all, call on God to see you through. He doesn’t promise us an easy life or easy times, but He does promise to walk with us.
May God bless you and your family as you face this difficult time in your life.
I am so sorry you are going through this experience. It is harder for the people who are going to be left behind. Everyone grieves in their own way. My main loss was my granddad. He had told everyone that when the time came he wanted to just go. He had a bad cough for a while, went to a&e and they only just saw a bit of pneumonia in the bottom of his lung. I was the last grandchild (that could) to go and see him in hospital. There was one moment whilst everyone was talking he looked over at me and smiled. I knew in the moment he was going to go. He had a stroke that night. He survived for my gran and 2 of their children to get there. He then had another stroke and died. I miss him everyday even after 16 years. The thing is although I miss him and wish he had met my husband and son I knew it was his time. I think seeing someone can give you some closure and help you to deal with it. When someone knows they are going they have the opportunity to come to terms with it. Seeing them can give you peace.
I have a five year old son and each time one of his pets dies we show him that they are dead and explain what is happening. He is upset but is able to deal with it. We talk about the things he has lost if he wants to. We both quite often talk about that we miss my dog Clyde and I think it means he is able to cope better with the situation.
I hope this helps.
Sue
I have lost quite a few people and some to cancer. It’s never easy- You are not a coward.
You are just having a rough time. I lean on my faith and just like it says Jesus gives me peace that passes understanding.
Death is hard for anyone it’s never easy, never pleasant. Saying goodbye is beyond difficult. But I think you are cheating yourself out of some beautiful moments with those you love by not facing the challenge. Yes it will be hard but at least you will have some beautiful moments with that person before they pass.
As far as your children you will do what all good moms do because you are a good mom. You will share your heart and try to make them understand in whatever way you know how and that will be beautiful.
I’m praying for you everything will be alright.