I am on vacation and I know I should not be blogging. I said I wouldn’t be. I must though, it is 2am and I must let these words spill onto this screen.
I saw a very harsh and inflammatory articular linked to on facebook and I will not give it credit here as it seems little more than hateful. However I followed it to the real story and found myself deeply thinking about parenting and that maybe even my idea of normal can limit me.
First, you might want to look at this and try if you can to not judge but to take it in and roll it around thinking about parenting, nature, humanity, society and then add facts such as germs and if mother and son don’t already share them, consider how a baby is grown in the mother and birthed and how it is not maybe as clean as out society would like. Then you can tell me what you think.
http://www.thekindlife.com/post/home-video-breakfast-with-baby-bear
In short a mother chews food for her 11 month old son and then passes it to him mouth to mouth. It takes you back a second doesn’t it. Maybe it doesn’t to you, but I am only a little crunchy and it did me. I thought and thought on it though and I could not come up with a reason why it would be wrong. I believe living together they already share the same germs to a great extent. I do not think kissing a baby or passing food like this is sexual any more than giving CPR mouth to mouth is. Maybe it is because I like I couldn’t do it. I don’t like drool… and I like to eat my own food. It must take a lot of effort and time to do as she does, does that make her better than me? Is my step back because I think I am less of a mother. No, well… maybe… no, not for me. But I can see it might for some. This is common issue in the crunchy world is it not. Often it will come out after someone speaks badly about natural birth or homeschooling that really they just felt like those who such things think they are better than everyone else. We know that isn’t true, but I think we have our doubting issues right?
So I came a calm state of interest in this topic, and I will research more. Not interested personally but it is interesting. I choose not to judge her as I can not find anything so wrong with it.
Others though have commented in very harsh ways. One example is this one:
“Jo Evans — 4 hours and 9 minutes ago
- Ohh, I don’t know about this. I agree, it’s disturbing and just seems unnatural. We need to teach our children, foster independence, also create some boundaries!This looks like it may be happening into kindergarten! Momma needs to be satisfying some sort of role here, maybe not so much for son! Watch out!”
There are others, some worse but this is the response it sparked in me:
“I wonder what some seem to have against parents who are attentive and attached to their children and raising them to be confident people who have real connections with one another and help others?
There seems to be a push these days that frankly frightens me. This idea that babies should be independent and that if a mother is mothering in an active way that she must be some how crazy, simply put. Mothing is what is natural. Fostering independence so soon on the other hand is not natural. Natural cultures would put many to shame with how different and natural they raise their children. Wearing them often and nursing beyond what our society seems comfortable with.
We have raised a generation with it seems too few mothers. Women went to work and mothering was out of fashion suddenly. The push became to get as many people independent of one another as possible to make them dependent workers and consumers. A child independent would not need their parents so much, freeing parents to work longer hours with seemingly less guilt as TV and peers raised their children.
Things though started to swing in the other direction again, mothers wanting the attachment, mothers wanting to be the ones raising their own children. This is not to say working mothers are not wonderful mothers but this is to defend those women who by nature want to mother. Taking a look at other animals and our human history we do things a bit backwards these days. Confidence is not found in independence before it is found in the group structure. Babies need to be confident in their parents and community before confident in themselves, it is what keeps them safe. Babies supported are braver, they know someone is there, children supported are not affraid to fail so they try and try knowing they have parents to back them up and help them when they fall.
Can anyone connect to what I am saying? littlecrunchy.com”
So many in my generation seem scared to try and fail. I know I was and to some extent in some areas I still am. I had parents that worked hard but family bonding was not a family goal and I found little comfort in my home. It was a hard childhood. My parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. The belt was used, discipline was heavy, hard work and grades pushed but not supported but simply driven by punishment and fear. Children had no valid opinions and should not be heard, should not speak back. It was by the church standards at the time a good catholic upbringing. I wish I could say it worked and it might have more than I thought but I was a horrible teenager, chances are what ever your thinking is a horrible thing a teen could do, chances are I did it. It took some hard action on my part but I broke free, I moved to another environment and I started over. Eventually I found a friend who felt like me, that we take care of one another through it all and so it went. I made the family I had wished I had and so far have spared my children so many of the knightmares I had experienced as a child. I am not doing the things my parents had done. My parents though, specially my Father and Step mother are not either. We all changed and focused moved from hard world to soft supportive family. It moved from pain and fear, to support and confidence. It is rather magical. I near cry every time my Dad admits he wished he had done something different. I near cry when he tells me what wonderful children my husband and I are raising. And I near laugh when my father tells me to not be so hard on them when they are acting out. I try and follow his advice. He is parenting now, no pain, no fear, no shame, and for change I am listening because is talking with me, not just at me.
This is the way my family has come about, a way that I adore. It might not work for you but it works for me. Do don’t tell me my children are easy, don’t attack my parenting choices because you think you couldn’t do the same and you worry I think less of you. Don’t try telling me attached families are some how crazy. The hole they are filling is the one they are supposed to be filling with love and care rather than big houses and new cars and more hours at work.
So many people complain about our society, the crime, the seeming lack or morals and care and respect for others. Yet this the generation of feminism…. where children can’t even leave the yard when before they could run the whole block, where two cars seems like a must, and new phones are not optional. Where world is always the excuse and those who doubt are talked down to accused of horrors.
We do not need more independence in our community, too much me me me as is. We need interdependence so people feel supported and so they can be brave and take us into the future we badly need. The way we are going, we will me me me me till there is nothing left but dust.
I really can’t decide how I feel about it.. I felt a little uncomfortable as it’s not something I’ve seen before, but like you, I can’t really pin point reason why it’s wrong..
It’s a behaviour you’d like to see the child grow out of as soon as they are old enough to chew their food themselves but aside from that, there’s nothing really wrong, though I still do think it’s something I’m going to try when I’m a Mama.
I think this hits the nail on the head:
“The push became to get as many people independent of one another as possible to make them dependent workers and consumers. A child independent would not need their parents so much, freeing parents to work longer hours with seemingly less guilt as TV and peers raised their children. “
This statement alone explains a lot of what is going on in this country and how everyone only cares about themselves.
I watched the video and personally I feel its unnecessary to feed a baby in such a way. It is the choice of the parents however the baby could very well be learning to use a spoon at this point. Children love to learn. They relish it and I don’t think we should hamper that desire. I also think a simple hand baby food grinder would work just as well.
I agree Cathi that children love to learn but there is a difference between pushing and helping and far too many will push a little one too fast and then react badly when the child does not preform.
While your opinion is of course valid and I can see why you would feel this very old way of feeding a baby is unnecessary I can also with an open mind see how mothers who do feed like this would say that using a tool for every meal and taking it all over or buying baby foods is unnecessary. Not knowing the child how could I judge if he can use a spoon or not? How can anyone but his parents? I still do not let my baby use a spoon in public for fear a neighboring table might end up wearing her meal! LOL There is a lot of time to learn how to use a spoon and only a little time to nurture in such fundamental ways that too many people seem to skip by or find unimportant.
I personally have nothing against feeding a baby it’s just the way it is being done that needs to be questioned. Hygiene and safety for the baby needs to be considered esp if the Mom passes stuff onto the little one…ick
Not sure I agree with the video but to each their own. AS long as the child is nurtured and given independence I’m not really stressing about it. However, I sometimes wonder if mothers/parents are doing this more for themselves then for the children. Just my opinion!
I am happy to give my children independence when they want and are ready for it. Little babies are the definition of dependence though. As far as mothers enjoying what they love, why yes, many do adore mothering. We are biologically programmed to want to do our best for our children, thus when breastfeeding the brain releases happy and calm hormones to keep us still to feed baby longer! Doing all we can for our children does make us happy. How is being a good mother some how negative but buying shoes to be happy is normal? Or drinking? Or getting ones hair done, or any other thing women do for vanity? What is wrong with being happy about how one mothers?
I am not going to judge. One thing does come to mind and it is that of the young Onassis girl. She was followed around by nannies and caregivers who were ordered not to let her fall.
At some point a parent, with even the best intentions, impacts the process a child must go through in order to grow, to be strong and survive.
Motor skills are crucial and the need to experience life with all senses helps a child.
I saw the video and yes, I admit, I am uncomfortable with it. Should I judge her? No…absolutely not. But I’m uncomfortable with it for many reason such as hygiene and stifling a child’s natural curiosity and desire to learn, explore, and do things.