Knowing how to motivate a teenager is so important!

My oldest daughter is now a teen and it is really important to my husband and I that she stay motivated to make and reach her goals. It can be very hard being a teenager, often feeling like their priorities are not the same as that of the adults in their lives. They often do not feel heard or do not feel like what they think matters. We have a good relationship with our daughter and we want to make sure that our relationship keeps growing and changing as she does but in positive ways.

The first thing I have to remind myself is that everyone has the same needs. NVC (Non-violent Communication) teaches this far better than I can in a single blog post so if you’re not clear on the topic of needs, you might want to research NVC. In short, we all have the same needs and it is just a matter of how we choose to meet them.

Lets take some of the needs I know my daughter has right now, your child’s needs might be different!

My daughter has a need to be social, she has a need for freedom, and she has a need for trust. Sometimes I feel like those three needs are over powering my need to make sure she is well educated, safe, and being connected to her family. Really though needs do not cross one another out, it is just our job to make them all fit as best they can.

If my daughter is not feeling like her needs are being met she might act out, she might be slow to get her homework done, might do poorly in a class, and might act out because she feels like no matter what she does she will not get the time she needs out of the house.

TIP: Make clear boundaries! No forever grounding and no harsh words in desperation or anger. Be realistic but remember not to say things that your child could mentally hold on to such as “If you don’t smarten up you will never amount to anything.” Saying things like that never help but can harm your child for years to come. They always remember those things we wish they didn’t and we don’t get to pick and choose what things they hold on to us saying to them. Be careful with your words, they mean more than maybe you know.

Your child needs to know what the rules are and know that they are solid and that you’re in charge not because they are not trusted but because you have a job, the most important one, and you have to do it. Part of your job is helping them meet their own needs and goals.

So if my daughter is not getting her work done, the rule is she can’t go out till it is done to standard, she knows what these are. Sometimes she will give up her free time because she just does not feel like doing her work. This does not mean she is let off the next day however, the same rule applies, the homework must be done. If grades slip, grounding happens until they are brought back up. Help your child make a clear path though to how to improve those grades. You might need to call a teacher for help with this.

TIP: A great way to motivate your teen is by getting interested in what they are interested in. If this is music, go to concerts or pay for lessons. If it is art, let them teach you how to draw something and give them feedback about their work if they ask. If your teen like sports, even if you think they need to focus on other areas of their lives still support their love of sports. Maybe get them authentic NFL jerseys to show that you understand and support their interests. A teenager that feels like they are supported in what they enjoy (as long as it is healthy) is a motivated teenager!

Our daughter wanted to play the guitar, and we did lessons for a year. She seems to have lost interest and so we are on break with lessons. She is focused on art again so we got her more advanced art supplies and we give her many opportunities to add art to her school projects in different mediums.

TIP: There is a balance to be had between responsibility and freedom. A child with too much responsibility and not enough freedom will at some point act out, or worse, lose their sense of self. A child with a lot of freedom but little responsibility will be like someone free falling without a para-shoot. You will know if this balance is off and hopefully you will be able to find help in getting it back in balance.

I hope these tips help you in motivating your teenager. Remember to set clear boundaries  support their interests, and provide freedom balanced with responsibility!