A deep and personal post about me that I shared on my facebook wall follows:
For as long as I can remember I have raged against the world not being fair. You see evidence of this every day on this wall when I post political things. This isn’t new for me, didn’t come about from the influence of the media. It is just…. me. I drive myself crazy, so I apologize if I drive you all crazy too, thank you for putting up with me. I am trying to do… better.
When I was little my grandparents took care of me 5 days a week. They had come from Canada to America, the land of promise and dreams. I adored them, always loving and calm and attentive. Also, very very Catholic! Every day they would read the bible to me, we would do our prayers together. I think part of it was teaching me but also part of it was my Pepere helping my memere get better with reading English! LOL Anyway, so the bible was the first book that I read, that my grandfather taught me to read with. That is when it started I think…. my rage.
I raged against the unfairness and injustice in the pages of the bible. At 4 years old I would have temper tantrums over it, I would argue and cry and lose my dear little mind. My grandfather was very calm in contrast. He did though encourage talking about it all. His answers were though…. lacking. I didn’t have his faith. I was not satisfied with “god works in mysterious ways” theory. I was horrified that an all powerful and all loving god could flood the world and murder all humans but a small handful. He killed innocent kids, kind old people, and unborn babies! WHY? Story after story it seemed like God was the one having the tantrums! None of it made sense, so much contradicted itself. I would argue till my face was red and then my grandfather would say “You win, pick up the marbles!” as in, the conversation was then done. I would end up outside in the back yard on a large rock crying that the universe was a mess. Nature helped a bit. I didn’t feel connected to any kind of god, but I felt like I was connected to nature. It could be unfair, but it didn’t try to pretend it was all these things it isn’t…. nature just made more sense to me. I could accept nature was cruel, I could not accept a god that was supposed to be protecting me from a monster was. I couldn’t accept that my Mom leaving (she had her reasons!) was somehow in gods plans either. Between the bible, the monster, my mom gone…. I was an angry child at an unfair world. I thought I would understand more when I got older, and I do, Mom had to do what she had to do, they did eventually save me from the monster, and I am still pissed at an imaginary sky Daddy.
Raging against unfairness is just who I am, that isn’t to say I am a great person, it is a double-edged sword, especially to my health. With my kids I can peacefully parent, don’t yell, don’t spank! With the world though…. yup, my words can make grown men cry.
This is just who I am. When I was 10 I learned that not everyone can have babies. Yup, I was PISSED. Life is not fair. I cried for people I didn’t know who couldn’t have babies and who we’re talking about it on talk shows. I learned about surrogacy that way, and I remembered my Dr saying I had birthing hips and babies would be easy for me. Easy for me? Why should it be easy, gods curse on women, and impossible for others? So I decided at 10 years old, I would be a surrogate someday, and so I was. There are so many things in the world I can’t fix, but that was something I could do.
I have a fantastic life now, stable and loving and safe. I have protected my kids from the monsters, from a broken home, and from the sky daddy issues. Yet, I still rage. I see the unfairness out in the world and rage. I scream here into the void every day and you all witness it, some understand, some wish…. they wish better for me. Again, thanks for putting up with me.
Every now and then I see my wellness drop, my rage against the darkness takes over so I try to step back. This is me doing that again. I am going to try to argue less with people, certainly not going to argue with strangers. Don’t get me wrong, fighting the good fight against the propaganda and false narratives is important, is vital! (we have people who think the world is flat and keeping kids in cages is ok….)
So this is me, the happy girl who loves her life, and snaps and loses her dear little mind when something outside her bubble isn’t ok. I spend too much time screaming into the void. I am not ok right now. But I am trying to be. I am trying to change my focus, and leave the void alone! LOL I hope my garden, book, kid, nail posts don’t annoy you all too much, but I need share more of what is positive in my life and share less void food. I love you all, if you are reading this, you are the stuff of stars and goodness and what I wrap myself in when the world just seems too dark.
