It is a funny question don’t you think? The debate over spanking rages on the Mommy boards and it shocks me as it seems fairly clear that the science says it can be very negative. So when a mother in asked me “You don’t spank your 3 year old?” I said “Of course not!” and went on with what we had been talking about, another conversation for another time. Thinking back, I should have explained. It just seems so odd to me that people still spank.
Our little sweet baby is now 2.5, not yet three but soon she will be. She hit the terrible two’s hard as of late. She gets very upset when she doesn’t get what she wants. This doesn’t mean however that just because we do not spank that we simply give her what she wants. That wouldn’t really be parenting would it? Instead we make it clear what she can’t have but then make it clear what she can have. Sometimes though she is fixated and has a fit. These can be very hard to deal with. One of the tools we use to help end the fits is cuddling, if that doesn’t work often we will go on a walk. When that is not possible though, say on a snowy 3am, we will read a book, play a game, or sing. There is a song that seems to really calm her down these days and I thought I would share it here.
It is an adorable little song and she asks for it again and again. On some hard nights she has happily played this song on the iPad and drifted off to sleep. We could spank her when she has a melt down like so many other parents, or we could let her scream herself to sleep but we want her to feel secure and cared about. She has many years ahead of her to learn to self sooth. Things in life will be hard enough without us adding to them for her. Yes it is harder, yes we get less sleep sometimes. Parenting isn’t about convenience though right?
Our older children are not little monsters, people talk about how well they are behaved very often. We don’t spank them either. It is just not something we resort too. They are watching us after all, and our actions speak louder than words. We expect then not to hit or hurt others, what example would it be to hit and hurt them?Â
Spanking causes Mental Illness – Among adults, 2 to 7 percent of cases of mental disorders — including major depression, anxiety disorder and paranoia — are attributable to physical punishment that occurred during childhood, the researchers said.
The study was about non-abusive physical punishment and made links to embarrassment punishments as well leading to mental illness. It is really sad that even with all the good studies and the common sense of it, that people will still defend their choice to hit small helpless children. This is my opinion though, and really it is more about how people assume that a parent who doesn’t spank is some how doing their child or society a disservice. That just isn’t the case, not spanking does not mean not parenting. Not parenting is another topic all together.Â
So this is my little girl tonight, she was having a hard time and having a melt down over her siblings taking things from her she should not have been playing with. Nothing seemed to calm her down so even though I am in hellish pain I put her in my bed and played her song and suddenly life was good for her again. Then of course as the image above states, she needed novelty. Coloring in bed, playing with different things with a lot of interaction as children have a need for attention, it is just as important as food!Â
(these are my day 9 photos for the photo a day 2013 challenge as well!)Â
There are so many things we do that don’t involve spanking. Our children are safe and wonderful. My post is tell you that if you want to stop spanking, you can! It is possible and things can change in wonderful ways. Will it happen over night? No! But before you know it, spanking will not even be a thought to you when it comes to parenting choices because you will have so many other things that work so much better.Â
Do the research!Â
If your a parent that does spank, you don’t have to justify it to me. Please know that I am aware I could always be wrong. Chance are I do not know you, and so there is no way I would think your a bad parent simply because you choose to spank. Such a judgement wouldn’t be helpful to anyone anyway. I don’t understand the choice, I think there is a better choice, but in the end you know your children best! If though your not happy as a parent, maybe it is time to change something and I am happy to help. If you need support, let me know! You matter and the best parents I think are the ones who can say they need help, and be willing to learn and change and grow. Our children teach us things all the time!Â
Thanks for the post Kimberly, just what I needed to read today!
I don’t spank either, but my three year old does often stay up way past bedtime because she is always searching for that little bit of extra attention. Last night she was also up at 3am, and not wanting to go back to bed. I get really really crabby with lack of sleep, so my option is to simply let her watch some cartoons until she falls back asleep.
It may not be everyone’s choice to let their kids watch TV in the middle of the night, but it works for us. It makes her happy, and allows me to get some sleep.
I am very hopeful that she will outgrow this soon, because I do get stressed out when she is in one of her very stubborn fits (she is a strong willed little girl), but all I can do right now is love her for who she is, and understand that she is just a child, it will pass.
Jesica, we too sometimes have TV on at night for the kids who feel they need it. I can’t sleep some nights so I read, but my youngest ones can’t read just yet and sometimes they just need to feel like they are not the only ones awake in the world, they need to not feel alone. Some of my favorite nights are the ones when baby in our bed with the iPad watching cartoons on it. I can go back to sleep and know she is safe and happy.
I agree with you, we all go through phases and with children, they have phases when they can’t sleep, when they need extra attention, when they can’t settle down, when don’t want to eat anything but 3 foods, and the phases pass!
I feel every child is different and what works for one, may not work for the other. I don’t “spank” my children, but I will pop theur butt through their pants if they are doing something that they absolutely know they shouldnt.
I was not a Mom that spanked…I raised two very responsible, free loving, respectful, loving children that I am extremely proud of. I was spanked and I refused to do the same to my children. They were disciplined..very much so…but no spanking or humiliation.
Debbie, that is rather amazing and special that you could over come what was done to you and do better for your own children. I know when my oldest daughter was 3 I did spank her about 3 times in her life. She was a runner and I was very pregnant and my husband was in the war in Iraq. I would “pop” her in the butt but it was still spanking to me and I hated myself for it. It was a gut reaction to her running across the street without me. It was how I was raised. (though I got the belt and wooden spoon) It took active research and active choices to not parent how my parents parented me! It was hard at first. I remember thinking it wasn’t even possible. I was young and dumb though and thankfully I learned quick how wrong I was! I love peaceful parenting and so lucky I made the effort to do better than my own parents. My own parents did the best they knew how to to do, they parented as they where parented though and they didn’t know there was any other options. I know better though, so I do better.
I agree with Erin S. on the being willing to post. You definitely hit a sensitive topic and I applaud you for that! But I am also like a few of the mom’s that while we never really “spank” our children there have been a few times were I lightly bop them on the butt if they got to out of hand and I applaud you for not judging. All to often people who disagree with a certain way of raising kids are quick to judge and say that the person is abusive and not a good mom with out knowing the whole story. What works for one parent may not work for another and each child is different.
I guess I don’t get the huge controversy. I was “spanked” as a child. Not often, but when I needed it I was put back in line. my father would give us a warning “flick” on the head with his middle finger…and if we didn’t act better from then on out…well…it only takes one or two sharp spankings to get the message that you need to stop acting like a twat in public.
My parents always spanked through the clothing, but it was never often, and it was never a beating. I was spanked once in my life with a belt; two quick swats with it on my behind…and never again in my life. I would act like a freaking princess after that.
I think I turned out just fine I guess, but to each their own I suppose. 🙂
I think that is an argument that does bother me “Well when I was a kid… yadda yadda… I am fine now” To me it is a bit like denying that people who where spanked and where harmed by it, and the science to prove it, are being emotionally spanked for some how not being “stronger” or what now. It is like saying “I drank and drove and I am fine…” just because someone is ok does not negate the ones that aren’t. I am glad though that you turned out fine. I wish everyone could say that!
I agree with you. My kids are 3 & 5, not spanked, and I think they behave wonderfully. Most times kids are spanked in anger…What good does that do anyone?
This is a great post! I can’t stand to think of a little tiny kid being spanked! It’s just so cruel! And I agree with you, we tell our kids not to hit or be mean to people, so that’s what we need to do, also. Sometimes kids start crying and are not able to stop themselves. Spanking for that only makes it worse. They need to be cuddled and distracted, so they can calm down. I’m going to share this post. Thanks for writing it!
I want to know, the adults who were spanked as children, what what the “crime” that required the spanking in the first place? I was spanked as a child and cannot come up with one reason WHY. Clearly whatever the “crime” was I don’t remember, but the punishment. To me, that defeats the purpose of the punishment. Now, when I slammed my bedroom door, my parents took said door. I clearly remember both the “crime” and the punishment.
Once, I ruined a new pair of shoes on my scooter. (My Dad had not fixed the breaks so it was use my feet to stop, or crash, and clearly not playing never crossed my mind. I got the belt for that one, I was 4 years old.) Other times it was talking back, fighting with my brother, fighting with my step-mother. I was very contrary and if I saw something as not fair I said so, and boy did I get hell for it too. The spankings never changed me for the better but I can say I hate shoes to this day and I still argue with a fierceness.
Thanks for the post Kimberly, just what I needed to read today!
I don’t spank either, but my three year old does often stay up way past bedtime because she is always searching for that little bit of extra attention. Last night she was also up at 3am, and not wanting to go back to bed. I get really really crabby with lack of sleep, so my option is to simply let her watch some cartoons until she falls back asleep.
It may not be everyone’s choice to let their kids watch TV in the middle of the night, but it works for us. It makes her happy, and allows me to get some sleep.
I am very hopeful that she will outgrow this soon, because I do get stressed out when she is in one of her very stubborn fits (she is a strong willed little girl), but all I can do right now is love her for who she is, and understand that she is just a child, it will pass.
Jesica, we too sometimes have TV on at night for the kids who feel they need it. I can’t sleep some nights so I read, but my youngest ones can’t read just yet and sometimes they just need to feel like they are not the only ones awake in the world, they need to not feel alone. Some of my favorite nights are the ones when baby in our bed with the iPad watching cartoons on it. I can go back to sleep and know she is safe and happy.
I agree with you, we all go through phases and with children, they have phases when they can’t sleep, when they need extra attention, when they can’t settle down, when don’t want to eat anything but 3 foods, and the phases pass!
I feel every child is different and what works for one, may not work for the other. I don’t “spank” my children, but I will pop theur butt through their pants if they are doing something that they absolutely know they shouldnt.
Angela, I am pretty sure that is called spanking
Tough subject no doubt. Everyone has their belief and also how we were raised plays a big role into it. Good subject and good read PLH
I was not a Mom that spanked…I raised two very responsible, free loving, respectful, loving children that I am extremely proud of. I was spanked and I refused to do the same to my children. They were disciplined..very much so…but no spanking or humiliation.
Debbie, that is rather amazing and special that you could over come what was done to you and do better for your own children. I know when my oldest daughter was 3 I did spank her about 3 times in her life. She was a runner and I was very pregnant and my husband was in the war in Iraq. I would “pop” her in the butt but it was still spanking to me and I hated myself for it. It was a gut reaction to her running across the street without me. It was how I was raised. (though I got the belt and wooden spoon) It took active research and active choices to not parent how my parents parented me! It was hard at first. I remember thinking it wasn’t even possible. I was young and dumb though and thankfully I learned quick how wrong I was! I love peaceful parenting and so lucky I made the effort to do better than my own parents. My own parents did the best they knew how to to do, they parented as they where parented though and they didn’t know there was any other options. I know better though, so I do better.
Good post. Not many would be willing to post this. Kudos to you!
I agree with Erin S. on the being willing to post. You definitely hit a sensitive topic and I applaud you for that! But I am also like a few of the mom’s that while we never really “spank” our children there have been a few times were I lightly bop them on the butt if they got to out of hand and I applaud you for not judging. All to often people who disagree with a certain way of raising kids are quick to judge and say that the person is abusive and not a good mom with out knowing the whole story. What works for one parent may not work for another and each child is different.
I guess I don’t get the huge controversy. I was “spanked” as a child. Not often, but when I needed it I was put back in line. my father would give us a warning “flick” on the head with his middle finger…and if we didn’t act better from then on out…well…it only takes one or two sharp spankings to get the message that you need to stop acting like a twat in public.
My parents always spanked through the clothing, but it was never often, and it was never a beating. I was spanked once in my life with a belt; two quick swats with it on my behind…and never again in my life. I would act like a freaking princess after that.
I think I turned out just fine I guess, but to each their own I suppose. 🙂
I think that is an argument that does bother me “Well when I was a kid… yadda yadda… I am fine now” To me it is a bit like denying that people who where spanked and where harmed by it, and the science to prove it, are being emotionally spanked for some how not being “stronger” or what now. It is like saying “I drank and drove and I am fine…” just because someone is ok does not negate the ones that aren’t. I am glad though that you turned out fine. I wish everyone could say that!
I agree with you. My kids are 3 & 5, not spanked, and I think they behave wonderfully. Most times kids are spanked in anger…What good does that do anyone?
This is a great post! I can’t stand to think of a little tiny kid being spanked! It’s just so cruel! And I agree with you, we tell our kids not to hit or be mean to people, so that’s what we need to do, also. Sometimes kids start crying and are not able to stop themselves. Spanking for that only makes it worse. They need to be cuddled and distracted, so they can calm down. I’m going to share this post. Thanks for writing it!
I want to know, the adults who were spanked as children, what what the “crime” that required the spanking in the first place? I was spanked as a child and cannot come up with one reason WHY. Clearly whatever the “crime” was I don’t remember, but the punishment. To me, that defeats the purpose of the punishment. Now, when I slammed my bedroom door, my parents took said door. I clearly remember both the “crime” and the punishment.
Once, I ruined a new pair of shoes on my scooter. (My Dad had not fixed the breaks so it was use my feet to stop, or crash, and clearly not playing never crossed my mind. I got the belt for that one, I was 4 years old.) Other times it was talking back, fighting with my brother, fighting with my step-mother. I was very contrary and if I saw something as not fair I said so, and boy did I get hell for it too. The spankings never changed me for the better but I can say I hate shoes to this day and I still argue with a fierceness.