The wheel is turning and soon the autumn equinox (Mabon) will be here. A time of equal day and night. In many places there will be signs of fall all over, here in this Texas corner, I shall have to hunt for it!
Another celebration shall also grace my home this year, Michaekmas. I am thankful to those other mamas who have enlightened me to it and some of the deeper meanings it brings to them. One mother talked about her issues with slaying the negative parts of herself at this time of year and how she had issues with this. I do not think my rapidly thinking mind and mouth ever did get to know if and how she did this. I was honestly thinking how this fit well with how I look from a pagan point of view at this equinox and my current situations. At the moment I am overwhelmed with my own life and worry. Mostly I think this is because I am pregnant. Michaelmas is a time to help dive deep into growing our strength, being brave, and overcoming our fears and weakness. The children in our co-op are learning the story of a knight and dragon. This makes me smile, something they can better understand while we adults have some higher work to do. Thus I love waldorf, it is not just about schooling children, but raising our family, ourselves.
I have shadows to work on. This past summer I moved with my little ones into a fairly nice home not far from loved friends. This was done for many reasons. Our zoo is now smaller and Rhythm is not as hard. Still, it is a struggle for me. Being alone with no one stronger of will as adult here can be a little scary. I find myself not so very brave and yet at times very fierce about protecting my family. All this while fighting with myself over guilt abut for the most part not adoring this new baby growing inside me of me. Thoughts like “How dare it take energy from the children I planned and need me so much” and other negative things. Then all of a sudden a friend fear of cervical cancer changed my whole outlook and I am very happy to be pregnant. This child has helped me learn so much. I call baby my Storm baby as it has been like a force of nature on my body and mind and life. I no longer am even sure of what religion I am, I just know that nature is amazing and I need to find a way to connect again with a higher power. All this while I battle fears of not being enough once this child is born. My husband will not be here, no one knows for sure when he will get home. I will be alone and thinking of that time after baby makes me feel very helpless. I worry about asking for help or even wanting help because what if help is too busy, it is one thing to think you are alone, it is another to need help, ask for it, and be brushed off or forgotten or just not important enough. Yes, I have had moments like that. Part of me almost wants to curl up in a cave and have this child alone so that I will not risk seeing those fears be real. It is at great risk I write this, but it is real and raw and something I am often lost in these days.
My life really is blessed but sometimes feels too very hard. This season I have more work to do then most would think, and a lot of shadows to deal with.
