Is tattling bad?
I am not sure why it would be.
Isn’t tattling the act of going to someone else and telling them something that is going on seemingly beyond your control? What is so wrong with that? When we see a crime aren’t we suppose to report it to those who are trained to deal with it? So when children come to us telling us about a situation why do we get upset and tell them not tattle? I can not say I do this often, but I have done it. Thinking back as to what I was feeling then, I felt like I was busy, like the person tattling should have been able to handle the situation, or that the situation was not worth reporting. Why didn’t I see what my child was feeling? She was feeling like there was a situation she could not handle, that needed to be handled, and so she turned to me, an adult she trusts to help guide her. I failed in some of those moments. I love that for the most part I remember to behave better but sometimes…. sometimes I resort to what my parents always did.
This is not to blame them, but to explain to myself, to you, where I for these feelings and ideas, maybe you have had such experiences too? My parents did the best job they knew how to to do. I want to keep doing my best and keep learning to do better.
I do not believe tattling should be a word in my vocabulary. Should it be yours?
So this is my struggle to do better, this is my ramblings on why I feel it is important, take from it what you will. Your path is sacred and your path is your own. If it differs from mine, I do not believe it to make you less of a person, a parent. Please know your not here to be judged, I am not here to judge you. I must however hold myself accountable and this is me doing just that!
Inspired by another blog post on this topic I saw right away there was work I needed to do on it with myself and my husband and our family. While it is rare, it still happens and it shouldn’t. I saw the word and I thought, yes, I have a few children who do that and that annoying feeling I get when they do it came to mind and crawled down my spine. -twitch-
So what exactly is tattling again?
tat·tle/ˈtatl/
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| Noun: |
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verb. gossip – chatter – babble – prate – blab – tittle-tattle
noun. gossip – tittle-tattle – gab – scandal
Why compare telling someone about something that is true to something that is a lie? Why compare it to gossip and idle talk? When a child comes to tell me something that someone else did, they are not doing it for idle talk, they are not doing it for attention. Why again are they doing it?
A child “tattles” when they see something and they do not know what to do about it, so they come to the trusted adults in their lives to seek advice about something troubling them. Maybe they are scared for a friend, maybe they are upset, maybe they confused. No matter what they are feeling, they are looking for guidance. Am I not as a mother supposed to be there to guide them so that in the future they can guide themselves? So when I tell them that they need to “knock it off, don’t tattle, go play” am I helping them? I fear I am giving them reasons not to trust me, not to trust themselves when they see something that needs to be corrected to get it corrected. Maybe I am teaching them apathy…. this is not ok.
I think back to a few years ago when on a cross country trip in late winter our van broke down. I was very very pregnant and we had three children at the time, two of them small children. Our van had no power, no heat and it was snowing softly outside in the high desert.
My husband and I both on our cell phones spent hours trying to get help. His cell phone died mid call and mine close to died as well. All told, we spent 4 hours on the side of the highway. All told, not one single person stopped to help, not one person called for help for us even with me very pregnant under the hood trying to figure things out. Why? Because everyone these days thinks it is not their business, not their problem, or that surely someone else will help. That is not the case these days, it might have been before. I certainly think it was, but I could be wrong. So what does this have to do with tattling? What if by using the word I give my children the idea that when they see something wrong that it is not their problem, not their business, not something worth caring about if it is not happening to them or they are not the one doing the wrong thing? Is this how we want to raise our children? I don’t.
Part 2 Coming Soon! |
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When my Mum scolded me for ‘dobbing’ as we call it here, it was more because I, like many kids, would continuously report on my brothers actions hoping to get them in trouble even if they hadn’t done much wrong.
When I’ve worked as a Nanny, I have told children not to dob on each other as sometimes they need to learn how to resolve conflict among themselves (eg. I was playing with that Barbie and then I went to the Bathroom and now she’s playing with it, that’s not fair you tell her to give it back).. But in the instance of ‘Kate, my brothers just climbed on the roof’ that’s not dobbiing, that’s letting me know something that really put said child in harms way and I thanked the little girl who told me..
I had never heard of dobbing before! Not that I am likely to use it now but I am glad I know of it all the same.
For me, with your example of telling an adult about a brother situation for no valid reason to get him into trouble would mean that there is a dynamic issue with both the child telling and the child being told on. Maybe they need more adult guidance so they feel secure enough not to act out in such a way. Maybe they need a hands on adult to help them distinguish what is something they can worth out themselves and what is not. Certainly dismissing them is not helpful else it would not happen again and again. A waldorf way to help with this I believe might be to bring in stories to the childrens lives like the boy who cried wolf. On our society it seems we are so quick to want our children to be independent at a young age forgetting to raise them in a meaningful way ourselves. We have to raise their hearts first.
As always, I could be wrong.
Dropping by from UBP, finding other homeschool moms. Love this post. Actually, I am participating in an A to Z challenge and made a list of topics, had “To Tattle or Not to Tattle” scheduled to post on the 23rd, but this is great. Why re-invent the wheel? Would you like to guest post for me instead?
I would love to guest post for you but I think I am a bit late. Sorry!
Have a Great Sunday Night!
It seems to me that if we want to encourage kids to come to us when something bad happens we need to be open to them doing so.
tattling is a very close sibling to gossip…and that is a practice that truly destroys much…
It’s not come up for me yet as my Son is 2 but I imagine i’ll react depending on the circumstance.
Kids ‘tell tales’ sometimes they’re doing the right thing, sometimes they’re trying to manipulate (sometimes both.
It’s not something i’m all that worried about, it’s a natural part of a child’s social development.
You say: I resort to what my parents always did. What did your parents do?
For me, I stopped judging about things I cannot see and when one of my 2 children come to me to tattle about the other, I listen and go over and let them try to solve it together as much as possible.
In other situations I pretend I did not see what happened. For example, a school friend of my oldest (5yrs) often plays here and cannot win from my son when it comes to toys. He kept on coming to me to tell him he wanted the same toy and I told him I was not going to do anything about it, that he would have to wait or ask gently. The less I acted as a police-officer, the easier my son was able to share his toys with his friend.
So in short: I judge less but I do let them feel I am there to listen, not so much to solve their problems.
Often kids just want you to solve their problems, which is not helping them at the end.
Is tattling bad? It depends… if a child has to tell a parent something real important it’s okay. But if the child grows to do this to hurt others (tell on others to get them into trouble) then it isn’t. It all depends on the intent.
Found you on EA 🙂
i agree with Anne.
UGH! With 6 kids I’ve had to tell them to tattle only when someone’s bleeding out there ears, something I like is broken, or the cops may show up if I’m not given a heads up. Otherwise, I don’t care if little sister just washed her my little pony in the toilet
Sharon
I agree with Anne!