In Memory of Memere (Grandmother)
I have found over the years small gifts left to those still alive in the difficult time after loved ones die. Stories about them come to light that so many didn’t know. Collectively as people grieve they share the best and sometimes worst parts about those who are gone. Those stories I think bring us closer to the ones we have lost. Maybe my ramblings will be a small gift to others, that they might know Irene a bit better.
This understanding of these small gifts came to be so clearly the last funeral I attended. It was for another Amazing woman. She was in her 70’s and sadly died quickly of cancer. She was a dear friend and someone I looked up to. We were co-leaders in a non-violent communication group. I helped parents communicate with their children more peacefully and showed them it was possible to parent with spanking. She helped others with anger management issues. We had gone through training together but it was clear she had years more experience than I did in life and I leaned on her for support often when my husband deployed to Iraq again. I admired her so much. She traveled the world to help people. She was a peace activist and brought medical aid to people in cuba, she marched on the white house more times than she could count, and she even got arrested a few times peacefully protesting. You had to see her to know how ridiculous that was as she was short little woman with long gray braids that couldn’t hurt a fly. At her memorial I was able to share some of her adventures and our friendship. Two of her children came up to me after the service in amazement of all the things they didn’t know about their own mother. It was a gift they said. I saw so clearly then the gift my friend gave me with knowing that after all my children are raised and out of the house that I can go try to change the world too.
What does this have to do with Irene though you might be wondering? Irene never traveled the world to help the poor and she never marched on the white house and she never did anything to get arrested for. She was however just as amazing as my friend and she did have gifts for the world that maybe you didn’t know about. Let me tell you about the gifts she gave me.
Irene was Born July 5th 1917 in Canada and was the oldest of 6 children. She went an all girls school run by Nuns that she told stories about. She didn’t love school and at around age 15 left school in hopes of getting a job at a factory and be out in the world. She told me about how when she got home and told her parents that she was done with school and wanted to get a factory job her Father told her that she couldn’t, that had to stay home and help her mother with the younger children. She did as she was told and helped. Eventually she was allowed to get that factory sewing job she wanted. My Memere had wanted to leave school because she wanted to find love and start a family. It was her dream to have a good husband and children. She was a woman of faith and she really seemed to take those parts of the Bible to heart!
She dated a few boys but none very seriously until my Pepere. She fell in love quickly only to have watch him join the military for Canada. He asked her to wait for him and she did. She waited 13 years for him to come back. I can hardly picture how hard it must have been but she is a very strong woman with a heart of gold.
Finally he came for her and he had rather shocking news. He was the new owner for a gas station down in the states. He asked her to Marry him and follow him to another country she knew little about and she did it. Irene moved to America in 1951 at the age of 34. A few years later she had my Father, her one and only child though she had wanted more. Eventually she got me!
My Memere raised me more I think that anyone else did. Don’t get me wrong, my Parents did the best job they knew how to do but my Father being the hardest worker I know couldn’t be there and my Mom left when I was 6 and then I didn’t have my Mother Mary till I was about 10. Memere and Pepere were the constant in my life. Their job was to take care of me. And they did it so lovingly and patiently. My father would drop me off me off with them at dawn and many years not pick me up again till bed time, other years he would pick me up at dinner.
While my Pepere taught me to read when I was very very young with the bible my Memere had different lessons she insisted I learn. Every single day she would insist I pray for something special. She told me to pray for a husband as wonderful as my Pepere. She would go on and on about what a great man he was and how handsome. I admit at the time it seemed silly to me to pray for a husband, I was 4 years old and rather have prayed for new My Little Pony horses. I did as I was told though as it made Memere happy. Memere had a smile that could light up a room and I loved making her smile. Day in and day out, year after year I prayed with her for this wonderful man she wanted me to have. I didn’t think much on it though, it was just part of my prayers, part of my day. I focused more on learning with my Pepere and debating everything I could in the bible. My Pepere some how put up with me and my Memere didn’t seem to want anything to do with debating. As I got older the praying together happened less and less often, especially after my Pepere died. They had been married for 40 years. While we didn’t pray as much She didn’t stop talking about finding love. That I think is maybe something not many knew about her, she was a hopeless romantic. She had as much faith in love as she did in God. She would remind me often of how long she waited for my Grandfather when he went off to war, how she didn’t know if he was ok but that she loved him and just knew he would come home for her. She waited years for him. She loved him dearly and I know he loved her. The one and only time he ever swatted me on butt was for mouthing off to my Memere once when I was young. I don’t remember what I said but goodness I felt bad for disappointing them.
I don’t think I really grasped how amazing marriage and love were for my Memere until after I found myself 18 years old, married, and crying in her arms about having to leave her and everything I had ever known to move to California where my husband was stationed after Army boot camp. My Memere shocked me that day in a way I will never forget. She held me at arms length and told me to stop the tears and to just go. She asked me if I thought she had wanted to move to the states when she got married. I hadn’t ever thought about it before. She told me she cried too and that her parents told her that as wife she had to go and to not cry. In short, they told her to always follow love and so she did, even though she said she didn’t want to move to another country. She told me to go and not worry about her or anyone else but to take care of my husband and myself. She said it as tears ran down her cheeks and it was so crystal clear how strong she was. I did what I was told, I followed my husband to California, I followed him these last 15 years all over the country and like my Memere I waited for him while he went off to war.
It dawned on me over the years, I did exactly what she told me to do when I was growing up. I had married someone so much like my Pepere. Both military men, both dealt with military intelligence, both loved technology and learning. Both able to put up with me! Beyond the height difference I think they even look a bit alike.
The gift my Memere gave me was the deep beautiful belief in love. Love that goes beyond time and space. I can only guess at the how deep and wonderful her marriage was. I can though tell you that she has helped make my marriage everything she told me pray for. I honestly think it had little to do with the divine and everything to do with my Memere telling me over and over just what to look for and showing me how to love.
My husband is wonderful and my Memere loved that she thought we had a secret about him. She would pull me aside in a very hushed voice and tell me how wonderful he is. She would tell me that he is a great Father because she saw him change a diaper and she thought it was a miracle that a man would do that. She talked in hushed tones about how he plays with the kids and how lucky I am. She would tell me how handsome he is and how happy she was for me. I even have a little video of her talking about how she loves Gerald and how I have a beautiful husband. Over and over she would pull me aside and whisper these same things, as if maybe I didn’t know or maybe she had forgotten she had already told me. She was just so happy and it made me so content that she could see what I see and that she knew how happy and lucky I am. I will not say my husband and I have a perfect marriage, I am not sure anyone does. We got marriage young and stupid and have had a lot of adventures. In 15 years though we have never thought about divorce and I know we are solid. She told me to be with him forever and I intend to listen to her about that too.
So maybe you see now why my Memere is so amazing. She didn’t change the whole world but her loving spirit and faith did change my whole world. I love her so much and will miss her all my days.
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