The same way you do I would imagine. There is no one right to argue any more than there is a right way to parent. I can however tell you what training in non-violent communication and peaceful parenting has done for my marriage. I think knowing what works for you and what doesn’t is so important considering how high the divorce rate is.
They say you should never go to bed angry. For the most part I agree with this. Life is short and we can never really know when a moment will be our last. Maybe this thinking comes more from being s military wife though. So we try not to go to bed angry. Smetimes this means staying up late upset but so be it. We can sleep when we are dead we are dead we joke. (just a joke honestly because sleep is vital to family well bei of course!) so this is a “rule ” we both agreed to a long time ago.
second, we choose how our days will go and we know that no matter how something stats, humans best remember how they ended, so we want to end the day the best we can. This is an active choice. Fighting is a choice believe it or not” in the middle of it though it does not seem like there is a choice. One is wrong and the other right, right? So we have a rule, that it is up to us how our day goes. If we want it to be miserable, keep fighgting…..
This brings me one of our rule. Find the need. Both people in conflict are in conflict because they are trying to meet needs and until we can clearly see with they are, we can’t see really why there is a problem beyong how hurt we are. Emo
Tions are not the enamy but they do not slone solve conflict. They can inspire the resolution though. “i love us enough to not want to spend this moment any more miserably than we have already.” because we all ow it could get worse. When we feel like we are not being heard we can go to extremes to make sure e other party involved is still as vested in the relationship as we are.
So we find the needs and separate them from the possibly harsh or mistaken words uttered in those bad moments if emotional fog. Then we try and take out the actions for the moment and again focus on the needs. This can be very hard depending on the actions and might well need s trained therapist. Thankfully so far in my marriage this has not been needed but that day might well come. Hopefully not though and I have no reason at the moment to think it will. I want to keep my mind open though just in case.
Find the needs and address them because remember it is us together on this path in the world. Often a hard one and we are stringer together. We find the need and we then find solutions. We make plans, take actions, write things down as my husband is always reminding me, paper remembers better than we do. Better than I do at least. Sometimes this leads to my husband taking some quiet creative time to himself to creat something to remind us of our goals. Art or writing or something beautiful to laminate. If you have been in our home, you might have seen such trinkets. They make us smile. Often they are replaced with new ones, and sometimes old ones return to area of our home for reminders. Even the children have picked up on such reminders and have gotten to making their own. They are not often clear, just hints, just something beautiful to look at.
We can then deal with the words and actions and how those had us feeling. By this time we are more clear headed and thinking about one another, not just ourselves. It helps is to move past.
We accept we are not perfect. We accept that we might well fail in our new changes. We however commit to trying forever to meet our needs to support one another and our family.
This is’t the end all be all of what works for us. Like everyone else, it is complicated. It might not work at all for you. We know a couple who has to have a screaming match before rough bedroom fun and by morning all is forgotten and forgiven. LOL no idea how that works out, but for them it does.
We choose to not yell, to not call each other names. Now if only we could work on our own egos and the tones we use with one another. LOL
Hotty husband asked me to marry him14 years ago. The moment was not fairy tale perfect and I didn’t expect it and I will never forget it. It was as untraditional and the perfect example of the insanity of young love. I was 18 years old and just knew all my adventures I wanted to have with him.
These are some of the things we do in our adventures in fighting. What things work for you.
(P.S. Please excuse an errors, I found myself writing this on an ipad for the first time!)
