Dear Not a Parent,
So we meet again! This time it was in a lovely chat room around a virtual gaming table. I don’t know you personally, you are a friend of a friend and I am super happy to be meeting new people online. I wish we could have normal game nights like before but we are adapting and doing the best we can. I am excited to hear about your life, you sound like you know a lot. The game is going well. You say you have no idea and don’t even want to. I support you. Your life, your choices. Go you! Friends and I start chatting about our kids though as we often do, laughing, having a great time. I make sure to talk to you about not kid stuff though as I figure we sound annoying and I don’t want to be rude. You are included and welcome.
Game is going well, I am winning. Night is going great!
I mention “kid agro” and AFK to indicate I have to be away from my computer for a moment. Before I can manage to get away, you ask what Kid Agro is and I mention my kids are up and I need to tend to something. Off I go, to do the mommy thing. No big deal. All gamers understand as Real Life always comes first.
Why are “not parents” always experts in their own minds?
I pop back on and you are having a heated conversation with our mutual friends. Your voice changed, it is some how harder now. You sound really annoyed. The the conversation has a brief pause, I say hello expecting things to go back to normal, to our chearful game. It doesn’t though. You instead do the one thing you shouldn’t do when talking to parents when you are not a parent….. you tell me how to parent.
Your words are calm but with an edge, “You know if you give the kids a bath at a reasonable hour and then put them to bed by 9pm and tell them not to leave their rooms till you wake them in the morning you wouldn’t have “kid agro”. You say the last words like they are some how disgusting to you.
I don’t know how to reply at first. I wait, trying to gather my thoughts. I have been parenting for 22 years now and have a lot of little ones. You had already said you don’t have kids and never plan to. I know your job is not in a field that has you working with kids and I already know your degree doesn’t add to an opinion that gives weight to your words. I want to jump in with all my love and excitement about attachment parenting and how amazing and wonderful these kids are but I don’t trust you right now…. you broke the rule that everyone knows. You know it right? Maybe not…. you are trying to help I suppose. I take a deep breath, one I hope you can’t hear.
“Thank you for the advice, I am ok with Kid Agro, and my husband and I don’t stop parenting just because it is past bed time.” And I say it cheerfully and I take my turn in the game. I think these words will for sure make my point clear without having this drag out.
Then you did it…. you doubled down.
“That is the problem with kids these days, parents don’t give boundaries anymore.”
This time I sigh.
So I state it plainly. “I understand you are not a parent and that you think you are being helpful. You aren’t.”
You then raise your voice. I know you are talking about well… I stopped listening. I have heard it all before, all parents have.
Doesn’t everyone know certain rules? Like… “not parents” don’t give out unsolicited parenting advice. Basic adulting 101 right? Right?
“Please stop.” I ask. Dear Not a Parent, Please Stop.
You don’t. Friends are trying to de-escalate now. I hope they are successful. It didn’t seem to be working and then a male in the room, another person not a parent, someone who hadn’t said anything in this conversation at all said something you did listen to.
“Stay in your lane bro.”
And just like that, everyone stopped talking. The dice rolled and while awkward, the game went on. I will not be playing with you again but goodness, you are not forgotten.
Stay in your lane. Words that I am spending a lot of time thinking about. I am thinking about all the times I don’t do that socially. I am thinking about how it helped you, helped us. I like those words. I think we all need to think more about them.
In pandemic life so many people have become google doctors, social generals of armies, experts in dna and microchips. -sigh- We need to stay in our lanes.
Later in the conversation we were all sharing on how the game developers could improve things. I know one of them. I could give them suggestions actually. Only they haven’t asked for them and the ideas we came up with are labor and skill intensive. I could help, I have skills…. but…. the fact is I don’t have time. Stay in my lane I thought. I am not running things and shouldn’t pretend I could. Why suggest even more work for others when I wouldn’t do it myself? I am rambling.
Stay in your lane.
If you have read this far, your dear heart. Either you are going to agree with me. Or I am going to get more angry e-mails, or… maybe…. you will stay in your lane.
Sincerely,
