A mothers identity.
It is not an uncommon thing to hear a mother say that after having her baby she felt she lost herself some place along the way. I can’t say that this was me, while I did lose myself it seems at some point, it was not mother hood. Pregnancy took my body and I have yet to recover it, but really mothering gave me a deep purpose and meet a calling I did not even know I had. I found I loved being pregnant, and loved being Mommy.
Where did the girl who always wore black and loved fishnet and colored her hair so many different colors? I miss the pink hair. I miss the cloths. I miss feeling secure and on top of the world where no one could touch me and others opinions didn’t matter. I was safe… I traveled across country along with a cat. I slept peacefully with a knife in my bed side table, and I seemed to have no fear. Where is that wild girl I once was?
Like the above photo of my 3 year old trying to play on a toy too small for her, I think I worry I got old. I crave that brave girl I was. Maybe being a mother took more from me than I first though. While I gained deep and instant true love, I lost my brave heart because it was not just me anymore. I gained fear… I have 6 beings in this world walking around and it is each has a part of my heart going in a different direction. I can’t keep up, I can’t protect them all, and I feel rather helpless.
I am not sure what my identity is these days beyond being a mother and wife. I adore this role but as my children get older I have to wonder what I will be when they no longer live here? It is a sad though. Being their mother is what I wake up joyfully about. It is what makes me love my days. As a teen I was always board. I am never board as a mother. Always something to do, to plan. Always someone to cuddle, read to, play with, learn with. Seeing them smile is the best job in all the world and I don’t want to do anything else right now. But again, what will I do when they are not here? What does that say about me? Is my identity now all mother and little else?
