Mommy Confession

I really wish my baby had not been born 5 weeks early. I know it could have been worse. I know I am lucky. I can’t help it though, the worry is so hard on the heart. I wish I knew why she came at 35 weeks. The placenta was the largest and healthiest the doctor said she had ever seen. (She was telling the med students this) and the cord was great…. she just came early. I keep looking at her and thinking about how she should still be inside me. She is such a sleepy baby and so hard to get to eat. I worry about her. Breastfeeding is not going well, and even getting her to take formula bottles is so difficult. If she was still inside of me she would have all her needs met.

Mommy Guilt

In the dark of night when she is not latching to nurse I can’t help but think that some how I failed her, and I worry she will not gain weight the way she should. I am thankful we see the doctor at the end of the week for a weight check. I need to see the numbers and know she is really ok.

Today on my facebook feed a photo from 5 years ago came up. It is of one of our other daughters nursing.

That dear baby was so strong and healthy. She nursed so well…. but she wasn’t an early baby.

This is our newest baby, who thinks breasts are little more than wonderful pillows:

I don’t know what the future holds for us all, but I do know I will not give up trying to breastfeed this little one and do all I can to help her thrive. She has a surprising start and things have not gone as planned but life is a challenge and if it is not one thing, it is another.