Is Pregnancy Really Beautiful?
Once upon a time I thought pregnancy was the best adventure I could ever be on and I loved it, every moment. I loved it so much that being a surrogate twice has been 2 of the things in my life I think dearly about and am so proud of doing. I adore all my children, and all they teach me. Right now though being 30 weeks pregnant, I don’t feel beautiful, powerful, or any of the other wonderful things I have felt in the past. This is no reflection on baby Rory and my love for her, simply though, unlike my younger years, I have Fibromyalgia now and it makes even the sweet little kicks painful torture. Everything hurts and I have no energy. I feel like I am frankly failing everyone. Thankfully Wonder Hubby expects very little and is incredibly supportive. It is no shock to me though why I dream of birth control now. It took 7 pregnancies for me to see how miserable being pregnant can be for some women. I completely get it now!
Pregnancy can be miserable and that is ok!
Being miserable doesn’t mean baby is loved any less! Goodness knows I also dream of cuddling this little one when she is here. About 10 more weeks and it feels like forever! So far, I have gained no weight this pregnancy and that is ok because I am rather fluffy and I have diabetes. My blood sugars have been under control for the most part and my last A1C was 5.9, a fantastic number for someone diabetic and pregnant. The numbers though are spiking up in shocking ways though, like 180 fasting one morning and then 204 two hours one evening after eating eggs and cheese on English Muffins. One thing to note, while some diabetics can handle grains, I can’t! Of course that seems to mean I crave them all the more. I wish I could go back to craving cucumbers this pregnancy.
Too Tired To Be Crunchy
I have no new born diapers yet and think sometimes that I am just going to go with the Honest Company Brand of disposables. I have no energy and my mental mantra despite trying not to think it is “Too Tired to Function.” Will it get better when baby is here? I have no energy in me, no will power, to battle the hospital policies, even the ones I know that are not evidence based. I have never in my life not had “fight” left in me for my children. I keep waiting for “Mama Bear” to kick in but right now I just want to survive the birth and bring healthy baby home and not make waves. That is how defeated I am, how scared, how tired.
All these things are why I know this baby is the very last. Permanent Birth Control here I come!
Support Means Everything
While I have had a difficult time this pregnancy I have had great friends and family saying all the right things when I have been so defeated and down and worried. My surrogate family has brought us so many baby things and setting up the nursery area has helped with feeling like everything will actually be ok. I look forward to buying the baby dresser next, not that I can move it at all but husband is strong and amazing so no worries about that! In anycase, I am rambling now. I know in blog world everything can look pinterest perfect as they say, and I wanted to be raw and real with my readers because I feel it is important. If your pregnant and miserable, your not alone, and it is ok.
